found it...damn it.. in draft

okie... let's see... erm.. i came to KL for i think aready 2week le.. kinda tiring and kinda fun too.. but...recently quite tired... my god... hehe... learn a lots of things... run thru a lots of things... doing for few things at one time... bubble tea and searving and even cook.. well.. kinda hard to concerntrate it... but.. anyway... slowly lo...this is one of my station... cooking station...the right one is my bubble tea and drinking corner..

erm... what can i say...

okie... let's start it like this... erm... i can go KL to help my dad... but one condition... i must come back on oct... and staight away do for intake in ipoh... interior design... is a good thing or bad thing??? geez... maybe you'll kinda confused what my mum doing and working as what... in my family got interior design... catering... accounts... what else... erm... i cant think... curtains... err... wall paint...and electronic... err... whatever... and in the future gonna open one factory... plastic factory... for my uncle... gees...that was the next year plan... but anyway... wannna enjoy for another few more month i guess... i do wish that i can go study out from ipoh... or out from malaysia... welll... i dun think i had much of choice... cause is family business... what to do... haiz... whatever be ... it'll be... guess.. time to face it.. i guess... but anyway... i'll try i guess.... need time to make it... i dunno... whatever it'll be .....anything ba... neway... i'm going to KL next monday... help my dad... and another thing.... dunno why recently ... had a lots of nightmare... hehe.. dunno what's in my mind... something about death... i always dreamt about... but hopefully dun let it came true...hehe... neway... wanna try find some more friends... and hang out if i could.. hehe... wanna change new place to stay... wanna try a lots of things... pray that god bless me... hehe...

what the hell you wan??/ i', too tired to handle all this shits...

haiz... guess living in this world really hard man... haiz...yesterday really so heart broken man.... i areaady try to stand all the pain and tears.... why you wan me to torture like that why.... haiz... i just wanna go KL and help daddy only ... why you wan me to have this kind of feelings...why???? i have aready told you few month ago i'm going to KL just to help daddy for only 2 month... why cant you let me go... haiz... out of sudden you suddenly open one shop... and you said that why i go help daddy and don't help me... my god.... hey... really unfair for daddy man... i know you wan me to stay... but dun use this kind of word to say to me... really hurts man... fuXX it... what the hell... did you know how much pain i had to face it... you know how hurt and pain i need to face it? to see both of you having another partner....i aready try to accept the truth aready... why cant ya... damn it... most hurt when you said... 'OKAY THEN IF YOU WAN GO KL THIS FRIDAY DEN GO THEN... YOUR 900BUCKS NO NEED I RETURN FOR IT..'' what the helll i aready not enough money... i buy stuff and i borrowed money to ya... and my salary... really damn unfair and doesn't mean you wan me stay me like that... damn it... most hurt when she said that ''WHY YOU WAN GO NOW? WHY CANT LATER? WHO GONNA FETCH NELSON? YOU WAN MAKE ME MORE SAN FU IZZIT? YOU WAN MAKE BOTH OF US TIRED IZZIT?'' WHAT THE HELL... I REALLY SO DAMN PISS OFF OF THIS KIND OF ATTITUDE ALREADY... I'M SICK OF IT... i not your maid or puppet... what the hell you wan ? haiz... i do adore you... and i already try become the best and aready try to become tough ... and also try to become the good gal... and listen to you... but how could you treated me like this.... you dun wan me continue study and wan me straight away learn business i really cant do it... cause i really wan feel the friends feelings.... i wanna have normal life like others normal student normal.... have a lots of friends and share the laugh and cry together... not sitting alone at the corner and push away all the fun from friend... what the hell... i always push away all my friend invite me... but guess i think i push a lots... that's why now i feel so lonely and more sad man... recently i need to have pils like panadols and flu medicine to make me sleep...cause i had nightmare recently and really hard to sleep.... i do jealous why you all got thr friend when you need it... and have the fun together... i do miss all the time together when with friends... haiz... really dunno why felt so lonely... haiz.... if i tell my boy about it... i know he will start thinking that why cant i tell him this.... i'm sorry... not to say not dun wan tell you... just... i dun wan you sad and even though i tell you... you'll said i'm not mature... cause you not me.... you cant know how it feels like and how much pain i'm going thru.... and how much tears i fall ... haiz... really so sad and felt left out... and so sad and tired to face it... i'm tired to become their daughter... i'm tired of it... really so sad and face it... haiz...

haiz...baby i'm sorry...

... this time i just wanna say sorry to someone that had care for me so much... i know it wont help so much... i know you had try so hard to help me and tried make me happy... but... it din't really work ... i'm sorry... but sometimes you do make me happy ... but sometimes you don't... sometimes when i need you.. and you are not there for me... haiz... accually i do hate night... cause at night i really cant sleep well.... and maybe i use to it... where i always got someone to call and cheer me up before i sleep... and sometimes i do hate when someone who had made a promise and dint do it.. i really so offended... i'm sorry... i know you had suffer a lots.. and tried so hard to change... i know you are sad for me and worry me... i'm sorry...i made you sad... it's my fault... i'm sorry i recently kinda sad... and i'm sorry i made you so tense... i know sometimes you stress for others thing... sorry baby... that's why i dint say so much... cause i scare i make you more tense... i'm sorry baby... it's my fault... haiz.. i really dunno wanna do what .. and recently .. maybe i not enough sleep and tired aready... that's why hair keep falling... each time i wash my hair... both of my hand also damn a lots of hair... really freaks me a lots... but... hair falll also nothing... i dint really scare about it... haiz... sorry baby my fault make you so sad... and make you cant happy and make you so tense....sorry i cant give you hapiness....i'm sorry i cant do anything...my fault..

~hard decision~

... haiz... yesterday nite was a freaking hell day man.. haiz... what the hell... i told her about the KL thingy de.. haiz... i told her i'll be back.. but she keep said i wont back... said daddy might do many stuff to stay me at here.. what can i do and said.. i aready told her about the thingy de.. i told her i aready promise daddy... and i also promise you too... for what you need to worry... haiz... dunno why once i talk about i'm going to KL work she dint really encourage me... she only said i know KL is the good place to learn and gain experience... but you know rite... your base on your daddy now situation... he cant afford to have a shop... haiz... if can also is your daddy that lady help in it only... if you think you have a chance that you can get the shop .. then you go ahead... if you go there for working i prefer you dun... haiz... what the hell what can i say about now... haiz... why can she tolerate with it... haiz... why cant she und about it.... why i had promise daddy to help him in shop... cause i have been rejected daddy thing for few times aready... haiz... and i dun wan reject once more ... aready daddy ask me to stay with him.. but i rejected cause i scare if my mum condition... and i know why my mum wanna stay me here... cause she also cant let go of me... and scare me like daddy foot step only... even though like that...also cant de ma.. i know what i should do aready... and pls dun force me to do something... i have areedy waste one year at here... and i had aready become your beloved and good daughter... why cant you tolerate about it... haiz... i had stay with you aready 18years... now i go for 2month you aready like this... keep say many things to stay here... haiz....what the hell man... i really dunno what's in my mind now... cause i already had enough de... at here... it's like no appreciation at here... i at home or not already not the matter de... i dint tell out so early cause i wanna see what can it be... but in a sudden i only notice that i already nothing to my family at here de... that's why i wanna try stay KL for couple of week... i know my heart are fragile... pls... dun do this kind of things to me... each time i speak out you also band it... and dun wan i take it... okay fine... i already listen to you and help lou tou in acc... and what do i get? the problem is... i already tried so hard to like it... but i cant... i cant even make it to like it in business and acc... haiz... i already tried so hard... and i'm tired of it... haiz... and i told her about after this week i'm not going to work de... this week will be my last week... i got 2week before i go KL i wan to go have fun and enjoy myself... actually i wanna learn cook and bake cake at home... and search for new things... but... haiz.. my told me ... why should you? you suppose to work till half month on 15.. den i told her... not necessary... i dun wan... den she said... if then... deal... tomorrow dun go work... no need you work already... since your heart already not here... haiz... what can i say now.. i told her not my heart is not there... i'm still here and my heart still here... den lou tao help me say... i'll fetch nelson to school for that two weeks.. den her voice up like scold ppl... haiz... said i dun need you fetch nelson... i'll be fetching nelson to school... and you do not need to have the transport anymore.... you wan out you walk out... no car are allow... den i said deal... haiz... the way she talk it''s like i'm the bad ppl... i already try to calm me down and hold back my tears de... but... she keep think like that i also cant help much... why cant she und me more... then i go back to room... den lou tou said... she told me de... but only scare you angry... den mum scold me and said... why should i become the last person to know everything ....haiz... i also speechless... haiz... just because i promise daddy i go KL work.. she like that... haiz... i dunno wanna help which side... if i help daddy side my mummy do so much things to make me stay...and she sad too ... haiz... what can i say...if i go help daddy side... the same thing occur... haiz... why life so complicated and hard to decide... i already quiet for few years... no one know what i''m thinking about... what the hell i'm thinking... haiz... really so damn piss out and damn freaking sad man... why all this thing happen to me... haiz...i hate to become middle person... hate it a lots...haiz... why should it be me... why should i have the things... daddy just called me about taking my ic and stuff... i told him i'm not gonna make epf first... den he said okay... and said ... ask me to search things... for the shop... but... the only thing is ... i dunno how and what to do... and he sent a msg to me that ask me to join cooking course... haiz... as my mum expected... haiz... why la... why should i had it.... what should i study la... i wanna take culinary chef.... but... the problem is ..., where should i study... KL or ipoh? if i could choose i wanna study out from this country... not here...the worst is made my mum creid yesterday... my heart really so damn pain... haiz... and i hate to see this kind of situation... makes me i'm the bad ppl... haiz... i just wan both of them happy not sad ... why cant i make it... haiz... i aready suffer a lots de why should you make it more worst... why????

so damn bored...

... gees... so boring in office... doing nothing... what la... but anyway cant wait to go KL work... hopefully nothing happen .... what la... haiz...what can i say today... too bored and bored and damn bored... dunno what's in my mind now... really so sianz man... msn no ppl... facebook what la dun have ... so sianz... what la....