CHRISTMAS

*christmas coming soon... another 4days...

*r@nDomLy~

*dunno wannn say what now... reallt too many things in my mind right now... lol...
on saturday ... bought present for both parents... on that day... dunno ... what happen with him.. he suddenlly turn so upset... like.. i ask hiim what he also cant tell me... den.. kiss him.. asking him to tell me infront of me.. he cant barely tell out.. i tot i might be do something wrong that might hurt him or anything.. dunno why... tears keep on falling... till..sam tet.. attend one gathering.. kinda little left out.. those form 4's dint really care ... but... when i meet with those form 3.. lol.. they'll like so crazy.. hug me... kinda lttle fun... but.. yet the same time worried about him. he ask me to talk with them.. but... accually i dint talk much.. reach till hall.. sit like almost 30minutes.. beh tahan.. need eat my heart medicine.. suddeenlly jump fast.. haha.. lucky dint faint... maybe too hot inside.. and kinda loud volume.. my throid med also out-of-service de... lol.. today the 4th day no eat medicine... seems like getting more tired.. and more pain... dunno why.. haha... till now still sick... haiz.. cham... on that night i only know ... why he sad about... till next day.. morning tot wanna have another great day... but... ends up.. mum and lou tao quarrel.. damn freaking fan... haiz... even he.. also still sad... not to say i dun wan to make him happy .. i tries but i fail... i wanna make you happy... but ... too tired... really suddenlly so san fu... plus... the next day get more worst my stupid flu and little fever.. haaiz... till need work from morning till night only can get back home.. sakai de... damn tired... yesterday.. really i make him upset badly.. i guess.. haiz.. dunno le... forget it ba... cried alots yesterday night... till cant really stand... suddenlly so san fu.. ate medicine... ate flu medicine tot i can sleep... but... cant sleep.. damn it... den tot i might chat with him to feel batter... but.. haiz... only get worst... den i ask ivan take soluble for me..as my stupid flu making me more worst cant barely breath... den den drink soluble... another 15minutes.. still cant feel better or sleepy.. as .. me and him still like hate and love.. haiz... wondering i'm i good gf? or why i so stupid? or anything will be... just like.. a gap between us de.. like getting far apart... haiz... no understanding... no communication.. no sweetness.. just bitter... dunno why... den i took another 2active fast... have a chat with him... yet still keep on sneezing... damn san fu... why sick also need to suffer all this kind of pain... pain where the feelings mixing.. and wondering... i dunno... really so tired... my suddenlly my neck.. my lower head get more paining... and heart keep on pumping... ends up.. i get tired ... thinking.. and fall asleep.. haiz... just all night praying him not to be sad.. and hope he can be happy... me and him together... and hpe that more understanding... that's it... haiz... really since genting that day.. till now.. me and him really like getting away and away.. far apart... dunno how long can we stand ... left the memories... those happy moment... maybe... i dunno... sadness than happiness this month... i guess.. to me... just wish i wanna have a happy chirstmas only.. i dun wish anything i just wan nice christmas only.... a happy christmas... memorable moment...

~END OF THE WORLD~ *yawn...*

lol... finally i can watch the 2012.. but anyway... really kinda nice movie... hehe... i still make promise that i sure watch with my boy... and my family... lol... really nice movie...hehe...really dunno why... when i fetch him... he dint even see or speak a word... just call my parents ... den no word say to me... reach jj... it's like me and he far apart... really dunno what's going on with him... wonder... why like that...*forget it ba...continue.. the movie really talk about many things.. really a lots of meanings in it... really... kinda scare when i watch it... cant really imagine how would it look like... when that Will happen in another two years... really wonder... will the government prepare the ark for us.. like in the bible said... about Noah story... or maybe... die like that.. is the money can save our life? or fate to be save.. or maybe... fate to be die.... really cant predict what will happen.. life really un predicted ... what is going to happen it will happen... ppls do ignore the things..and might think.. 2012 movie is just entertainment... but acually is wasn't.. cause.. due with the things that sign ... warning about the things... those scientist... testing about nuclear.. in north pole.. making more worst... really too many things happen... in this world... really .... the movie really mean a lots of things... human can be united... money is not everything....you must appreciate what you have now... do the things that you still can... enjoy...try to make the day happy... while you still can live... *continue.. after that movie... den we back home... but...nothing much happen ... cause really too tired de.. just got one simple kiss and sleep... how good i can have a hug... before i sleep... *skipped neway... enjoy while we can.. i just wanna wish i can make a happy moment with him.... wanna he become for loving.. caring... and funny only.... like the last time we use to be laugh in phone...

*sLe3pY

nothing to say much today.. yea.. kinda a lots of things in my mind right now... but lazy to write all out... feel like wanna tell him everything .. but...kinda afraid that he misun or anything... whatever... just wanna say little...oh yea... neway... on last saturday my wish came true... but... doesn't really fulfills all... accually by the time i reach genting already... when i see those accesories... and the decoration... that time i just think... how good that i can see him now.. and take pic with him... wanna make a memorable moment....once i check in... he ask me to go side... and i saw him,,, alcually that time really kinda shock when i saw him... i know he treat me good enuf.. but dunno why something missing... maybbe he was too tired... but anyway.. he slept in my room... atleast he got place to sleep.. till next morning... ate breakfast.... walk... but... really dunno why when i'm in mood of taking pic... like usual.. each time at genting... with him... but this time... really dunno why... he face is like... awh... man... cant discribe it... haiz.. i tot i was trying to enjoy with him... i wear... that hair... tot he might happy... when he come from toilet... but... nothing happen... haiz... really dunno wan sad or what... really ... weird... not i dun wanna tam him or what... but just ... dunno why... 2 years in realationship... is like 3month only... like... i really dunno how to discribe... i know he did a lots of things... take his money out for me... but... really i dunno how to discribe it... haiz... something was missing... maaking me feels like he turning back like the last time he was... to be honest ... yes i do... happy and gam tong when he at genting... but at the same time i was sad either ... cause seeing him like this tired... and really dunno why ... giving kind weird attitude.. avoiding... eg:i went to starbuck... meet my uncles and mum.. den i ask him pui i chat a while... den out of sudden he said he wanna go back to room watch tv... i really do damn speechless.. alcually that time after i chat with them a while... wanna go take pics with him...wanna walk around wanna make the candle hand thingy... but... ends up... ... after that time... really no mood... even though he ask me to takee pic... that time i was trying to hold my tears... wonderiing what's going on with him... and why you wanna become like that.. why each time we wan to enjoy .. but also got sad moment... damn it.. is not to humilate... or saying things harsh... but... really... i wish ... you can become... the one that i wanna you to be... pls dun become back the last time you were so cool... or what...i just wanna get hugs.. wanna feel that i was care and someone can cheer for me all the time...some one that can leave me a memories that is something that is worth it...Sorry baby... i know you work hard ... and wanna make me happy... baby... all i wish that .. i wanna become who you are.. the one that is funny ... and caring... i dunno weather you are making in front of me ... or maybe is in you... it just... something was missing as i said... last time we use to be jokes... and talk a lots.. but... really like getting lesser... when i sad.. i wanna you make me laugh... when i happy we together happy... is you did... eventually .. i will did the same thing.. although i did.. but seems like you dint care much thou... of maybe you dint notice... sometimes really kinda weird... the cake i made for you .. you just put aside.. although when is upside down... many things either... really.. something missing... the more we together become like this... the more bad things will happen... i can say it... altough we already 2years... also become like this.. i just wonder... how about another few more years are we stilll together? or what..only you know about it...

~p@sT i$ p@sT~

what had already pass jau pass de le... can denied it... today really no idea what i'm going to say and talk... but... just let it be.... although too many things happen recently.. really going thru a very hard time.... just... moment already pass de... it became history.. and no longer to be remember... but... what if a sweet moment??? it just make it keep haunted you ... for the rest of your life only... first when together... sure happy and enjoy.. but when things turn bad.. and hard going thru... things goes... worst... just broken to few pieces... eg: like a glass fell on floor... and brokes into few pieces.. and just left a piece of memories... and nothing.. some need time to forget the someone left those precious moment... those happiness... but some... dint care or think about it... and had a new life.. but .. to me seems like really hard... yea although tot can find a real love that can stand long.. but ends up destroy... kinda frust and hard to accept it... but ... what if the ppl ask back you and wan you together back with him... but both also already had own life... but still have the love remain... but... to me... as i said... past already past.. cant become present... or maybe... if we got fate... we still can together in future... cause life really un predicted... just appreciate what you having now...and had own life... dun lie to the partner... and be happy for them.. yea.. although is hard.. but just let it be... have a own life... own way... *yawn... sweepy... headache... i also dunno what i'm mumbling... lolx....anyway.. just write whatever in my brain...

*si@nz... i told de.. i'm the one who really hard predict...

really no idea... what the heck i listen really kinda really feel so disappointed... and dunno others mix feels too.. i know... mum are still my mum... she raise me... and do this... but.. sometimes i really cant stand that i kept secret for her... and getting blame... or even using me to help her... or even she now destroying family where i having now... really enough for this de... after what she did... although i know family are the closest person... but... seems like to me... she's dun really care about it.. she care about money and wealth... luxury... haiz... as me and my bro's keeping quiet.. even my stepfather.. still on her side... just that... since young... mum cares bro than me... even my dad... really so obvious that since young they did for so long... but i also dint care much.... or know about it... as long as i'm still taking care of my bro's enuf de... i got care for her... but how much did she care for me? yea she did care for me... but she really over do it... by forcing... accountancy.. to catering... and now interior design? really dunno how many times i need to listen to her... dad told me to be careful what my mum will do..i'm a person who care family than friends... but... sometimes i do really disappointed that .. stepfather or even mum said that i care outsider ... friends or even loves one... damn it... monday to sunday everyday at home... or office work... by doing nothing... sometimes i really thinking i'm i doing the right thing... helping her like this by destroying my own dreams ???just to fulfills her wish...???? haiz... she got care meh... even i sick... i go see doc my self... even bro sick i taking care if bro but she??? haiz.. even got time she go shopping only... and she always said to others ppl... i'm doing this job just because of interest... not for money... den another face that she told us 3... she said she do this for us... haiz... for what... i know you did this... but... family already got few business de... electronics... and accountancy de... what for need so much.. we can earn money fast... but only that will destroying family feels only... a lots of argument... and others stuff.., or even understanding...you know... since young ... dad already went to KL for a long time... just work... i nt really see him so much...yea.. i know .. and i do know he did wrong.. got mistress outside... i dun really care.. yea... i do hate him a while.. for not coming back.. and did this... destroying family... actually i do appreciate family feels.. but... haiz... things really doesn't goes very well... hiaz... lost the family feels for so long de... that's why keeping inside so long... without telling all out... who .. or someone or a child just wan a simple wish that... just wanna have perfect family... enjoying... and communicate.... haiz.. forget it.. i know... maybe you'll might feels that i selfish or maybe coward... or what so ever... but... i guess no one will und how would i feels for a time being... cause too much things keeping inside... and i really dint know how to speak all out...all this just part of it... better stop saying... *life really really unpredictable..trying to facing what is in front... and try so finish the day... trying to make life better... and happier... on that day... even though going thru a hard time...but... really so hard to facing all this... ALONE....

how good..

MY LIFE GET BETTER ...

i really wish that i can get back my own family...
really wishing she return back normal...
really wishing that how good she dun over do...
really wish that stop scolding me... really sick of her keep scolding me...
although i been 2month in KL... no ppl scold me... honestly speaking... i really dint miss that she keep on scolding me... but... tortoise said he did miss her mum scolding.. but to me... i dint miss at all.. i just... wan back the mum who is last time.. not so fierce.. and thinking much better...not like now.. haiz... keep scold and get blame so innocent... dunno when only get back the one i wish.. haiz...



BESTIES...a friend for life...
a gal that talks with and knows me...
although she cant always out... but... even she talks with me... i already feels release..
A LOTS....what la.. cant speak much... cause cant think much... appreciate what you had..
*Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

THE ONE I LOVES.... although he tries so hard to comfort me and cheer me... but..really sometimes dint really help .... something or sometimes not in a right time...
*Love feels no burden, regards not labors, strives toward more than it attains, argues not of impossibility, since it believes that it may and can do all things. Therefore it avails for all things, and fulfils and accomplishes much where one not a lover falls and lies helpless.

*sigh...

really no idea.. what the heck i did... and seems like everyone scold and yelling at me... damn it... from lou tao... to damn maid.. to mum.... and maid... at the end ... mum scolded me... damn it... really no idea what did i do man... why so damn bad de lo.. haiz... damn de la... yesterday play mahjung also keep get nag... damn it... sianz... what the heck... damn it... sianz... everyday allso like this... just like history repeat... damn it...i wanna back to KL life... freedom... enjoyment... haiz...at here what also talk about money money money... or else...possition... haiz... really dunno what did i do...whatever i did .. also wrong... so innocent...getting blame ... even i didt doo wrong also blame... damn it... sick of it...very sianz jor... talk all this shit..

*s3@m$ like making worst...

*yea.. just feels like trouble maker like pass... he ask what's planning for it... i gave some suggestion... but... seems... like he din't really likes it thou... haiz... dunno why... even... okay de... but seems like he like tense and frust ... really dunno why i got this feel... yet... even yesterday... i was desperate to watch the cyril.. cause the one doing things that something new... really dint appear and change number in front of ppls.. haiz... he ask me why dun see... tvb that show.. den i said i watching magiction.. den he replies back... know you wont watch this de la... haiz... who said i dun watch.. i'll watch later only de la.. one word that so harsh... den dunno why my stomach yao pain.. den heart also weak like that... den yao give lou tao nag.. why me so stupid watch this magic la.. why dun watch thatt... den said me you blind ga... dunno read.. den i told him la... i sure dunno read la.. he reply... if do this ar... sure live de la... damn.. how should i know... this year i only know learn to watch astro... cant denied... i know.. alll of you'll watch few years.. but not me la... i know i stupid la.. i know you'll like watch and know many things la.. one also like this... that wan also like this... stupid heart yao pain... damn it... dunno what i did wrong... always like this.. lou tao and mummy quarrel.. just because of the financial... why me become your bean bag wo.. chi sin de... i walk also pain... yesterday cant even barely walk upstairs.. cause my appendix that side suddenlly pain... dunno why... should be not appendix de la.. even got i also duncare... lucky the gal .. survive... even 4ddays broke de... really lucky de her... must be angel protecting her... wondering... when only ends all this... izzit this a test? why should a test should be like this... why so hard... sometimes i tried to ignore what my parents said... and dun listen... haiz... even previous day i see doc... haiz... really couldn't believe what my boy said... haiz... sometimes i really dunno what h thinking... haiz.... forget it... yao said defend... yao said she still my mum care for me... damn it... bla bla... thru thhis condition...??? what my mum did?? really hard and i really couldn't accept it... you not me.. how would you know and feels... really feels like our communication... getting worst... haiz... lack... i'm tired... throat there tired... i just wanna enjoy/... and wanna feel back happy from friends and loves... but... seems likee... fail from everything... maybe except from friends... loves??? really dunno... just like weather... rain & sunny... life really cant predict... life getting tougher.. and tougher...sometimes...help him find things and do stuff for him... but seems like dint really like it... dunno why can see it... true of false i already dun care.... i care... cause i love him... thou.. he like for at first.. later.. at side...haiz... really dunno what he thinking... and all.... even myself... stupid me... i hate myself ....

*TODAY

yet another... day... another bad bad day.. really so tired... haiz... morning fetch bro...go eat breakfast... go to his house... XOXO... back office like normal.. till 2sum... gu jie back... haiz... sad seing gu jie back.... really so sad.. but when she bback .. i hug her... i almost cry infront of her... lucky i dint... but she went de.. tears fall... till mum back.. she dunno calling who .. she like so happy and excited... cause gu jie not here... haiz.. dunno la.. den ... till lou tao came... scolded me... caus emy car many dust .. bla bla bla... haiz... den many things... den ask me KNOW STICK THE ROAD TAX NOT AR... den many la.. den till the gal drive car next to my car... den lou tao scold me... you see la.. i no need see the car i also know her car better than yours... yet... ANOTHER ONE COMPARE..I HATE YOU ... I HATE YOU'LL .. WONDERING WHY NO ONE KNOW ABOUT WHAT I HAVING NOW... I'MM REALLY SICK SICK OF ALL THIS... RECENTLY... REALLY LOST CONTROL FEW TIMES.. ALMOST WAN TAKE A KNIFE OF BLADE OR WHATEVER... HAIZ.. I'M TOO TIRED... REALLY REALLY SO TIRED... OF SITTING HERE...TEARS KEEP FALL... HAIZ... STOP HERE .. I CANT STAND...

yesterday

*yet.. another damn boring day... haiz... wondering i can go back gopeng eat back home cook food not.. but guess it's a no... mum seems like so excited... damn it.. really hate to say it.. grandma ask grandpa called... ask lou tao got go back eat anot.. den mum said to lou tao... if you promise den you dun find me... bla bla bla.. den lou tao said no.. den .. grandma said... she made our favourite wan tan... haiz... lou tao i guess he was force to say no... den mum called me .. said to me about it... haiz... damn it de la.. she like so excited... happy ...she even said dai sei le.. who ask them tak zui tou her wo...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.. cruel... to me.. really sad..AND FEEL SO GUILTY...haiz... afternoon.... me and mum go factory office there.. then.. like normal they'll talk a bout business and others stuff... den back into car... she go compare me.. and her.... said .. you see.. she so clever... what also know.. den said to me... she wan me learn things from her and taech her back.. and even compare to her buy learning things.. said that why i so stupid and many... haiz... till night dinner at pizza hut.. haiz... said me again ... said.. why you so stupid so useless... why cant you become like that gal... really dissappointed to you... haiz... many le.. den said why each time i say things you only know say oh ooh oh ... haiz.. dunno ar... FUXK it... haiz.. hate it alots...and even she said that.. me betral her... same gang with gopeng.. dun help her.. where by... i keep stay at her side.. listening her obey... what can i say more... damn it.. till back gopeng... i ganti my grandma place a while... play with my auntie and neighbour... both also same like me.. said.. i have no choice... since mum also wan i follow up...and dun wan me work out... haiz.. many la..so damn frustrated... accually during i pizza hut there i almost take the knife or even runaway from it... haiz... back home... really cried.. dunno why .. feels like so stupid why i cant defend for myself... and being so damn stupid....I HATE MYSELF....

really long time no update..

really .. although just one week .. no log on.. too many things happen de...

START ONE LAST MONDAY...
last monday.. we back like normal.. eat dinner with grandma... grandma & my aunt both
also stomache.. till when after dinner.. ussually we got play mahjung.. but that day dint play.. den in room got lou tao and grandma & mummy only...grandma ask .. about my gu jie thingy... den.. that time.. really in bad mood de.. so i sit outside.. holding my drawing book... wanna draw things but dun really wan too.. den ..till i listen mummy like shouting behind.. seems like with grandma.. haiz... only that i heard ''why you'll like this'' bla bla bla... den only know mum rushing out ...haiz.. den said back... when in car.. she said..grandma they'll all same... see ppl got money... and keep help the daughter only... haiz.... fuck it.. la...

TUESDAY...
another morning.. another fucking day... which is.. she tell whole wide world that gu jie do such things.. really hate it.. to listen too.. i'm not sure who's wrong... i dun care... who the fuck is wrong not my problem... i hate to be in your middle person of you both...


WEDNESDAY..
days.. getting more bored and alone.. cause.. my gu jie not here.. mummy busy.. alone in the office... feel so empty.. just like inside of the cage... cant go anywhere... missing those days with gu jie...we use to laugh and chat all the time..

THURSDAY..
day by day .. passing by... just like normal.. bored... and thinking what my mum thinking.. afternoon... got supplier came... till night... haiz...so cruel de mum... really dun really like when she say bad things about gu jie.. said gu jie betral her... wan thhe man over her... where by gu jie also dint do this kind of stuff also... haiz.. i dunno... really making me sick of it...

FRIDAY..
like normal... alone in office...till lunch me pui gu jie eat lunch... as.. gu jie pack her few stuff... really.. sad.. seeing her packing up the stuff... really sad.. feels like wanna cry .. but.. neway... i tried to hold up my tears by not crying in front of her... still laughing & chatting like normal... but... till night.. really so sad i cried alone ... too much things in my mind.. really feels so sorry to them... really feel so guilty.. that mum did that.. even gu jie got say to me that... grandma worried that on monday we wont going back for dinner.... haiz... really feel so sorry to grandma...on that day.. had dinnerr at yoelde... first time have this moment.... wanna buy ticket... unfortunetely... cant... too late full de...

SATURDAY..
nothing happen much... just a day where i suppose to have... enjoy what can i enjoy on that day... but seems like nothin gto do the day... cause.. i fetch bro and my bebe out together... went to cc.. since no more mmovie ticket...den at 4sum.. mum ask us to go back... haiz...back to cook...eat dinneer like normal day... nothing special.. just at night she got ask me.. what my gu jie said and did... i said nothing much.. pack things de...like that only...den went to my room start drawing...

SUNDAY...
woke up early ...eat breakfast ... den went to parede... play bowling... yea.. really long time... dint have this kind of family feels de... i really loves this moment...but... seems like i like more than that... which is one big family..at afternoon...i remember mummy said... you see your grandpa.. work jor so long .. now retired jor... only got100k sum.. see me.. me simply do one business also more than that la... den said wo... she that they'll stupid... thoose gopeng family... really so heartache when listen to it... haiz... she said... since all also wanna help the betralyal... own daughter.. okay find... den dun wan your son lo... your in-law... and your grandchild lo.. since you wan help her so much... damn it... haiz... really damn frustrated... listen this shit.. i really cant stand all this de.. accually she have no right to say all this fucking shit.. cause she own also like that.. still with the fucking man... I HATE IT SO MUCH... HIDING OWN FEELL... AND BEING SO SAM YUIN... TO LISTEN HER.. AND HATE MYSELF... because she said... we're family right? you'll support and stand my side right? haiz... STUPID ME...

*i'm sorry to all ppl who advise me ..

haiz.. really gomen gomen who advise and comfort me all the way.. just really frust for all this de.. too tired of have this burden.. yet till now too.. really sorry made you'll worry ... haiz.. just she (as witch) really making a lots of stuff making me i rally hate to do it... really sorry to my dear and my bebe le..


* TO my bebe,
.. i know you worried me very much err.. really sorry... you need fan my stuff.. but just that something i cant really can do lo.. i just wan .. on saturday.. each saturday can go gai gai go enjoy jau can jor.. no need think others stuff de.. muakxXx

*To my dear,

you'll can pui me jor den okie de.. very syok jor.. making me happy .. hehe.. most like is when we go gai gai and play jek.. lolx... jokes and see you'll argue-ing for some stuff very funny de lo.. lolx... hehe.. but anyway i try to become strong back le...gomen err.. muakxxXxX

*seems like things back darker

haiz.. seems like all back to past.. quarrel den faint.. now act back to tam me back..just now dinner really haiz.. hate it.. talk to me and tam me back to work.. haiz.. louu tao give eye signal.. say dun argue with her.. damn it de la.. haiz.. fan sei.. den talk me that wan me wear formal..told me,.. she buy the 400buck bag for me so that i look dai tai dit... den look like boss de daughter.. den say wo.. i always wear like lala gal.. dam it.. haiz..i just wear one tee and BG pants jek ma.. like lala wo.. haiz.. damn it de la.. i look so luxurious for what la.. also human la.. den she said.. she wan me to compare with one new clerk wo.. see who better den open new showroom wo.. damn it.. haiz. . very fan.. i hate i.t.. now force to continue with the career.. haiz.. guess.. making it more worst ... felt so useless i cant defend for myself cause i scare i did the wrong thing that hurt her.. or might be fallen in her trick..haiz.. very tired of all this.. thinking how to lose all this tense.. felt my body no energy left... haiz...what should i do... should i continue obey her and hide all the pain and sadness or defend for myself and she her faint in front of me...so useless de me..

*wrong or right?

Yesterday night really got a huge disaster between me and my mum...but before that lou tao also got scold nag me a while.. den throw my letter on floor i still can stand it.. i ask him why throw my letter i have no idea why my letter reach no one tell me only..den between me and my mum.. i tried to keep all things and try to stand all her things.. at night .. she ask me weather i like the bag not... i told her i dun really like it... cause i dun like LV type sumor is brown colour... the bag cost 400.. den she scolded me this one nice.. said i lucky cause this wan expensive.. den if you dun wan.. you wan ask your boy to buy for you.. or even you buy.. you also heartache la.. den say many rubbish.. den she ask me what i wan to do now... keep sit in office do nothing ...den ask me why waste my time.. she told me that i already waste one year time.. off what i need think... damn it... i already plan i wan study what de.. only she dun let me go for it only... haiz.. den till i go help lou tao.. wanna try i can go for accounts not.. ends up i almost wan to apply de.. den she told me that .. den better dun take acc ba... take culinary as catering... damn it.. i change again.. den till she ask me to go for interior design.. i really cant stand of keep changing and making me weak de.. i already sick of it de.. changing my career.. den i back to KL help daddy wan cool down and help dad.. haiz..till she ask me come back .. i back ends up all this things happen.. den yesterday she ask me.. outside there i can find work for 1k per month not.. den i keep quiet.. den she yell at me ask me to answer.. accually i dun wan aanswer she keep ask me.. till i speak ''if i could find how..'' den she said back to me ''OKAY YOU WAN HOW.. YOU WAN I DIE IN FRONT OF YOU IZZIT'' haiz... i also dint say anything de she say like this i really cant stand de.. haiz.. den she ask me i still wan work for her not shout at me.. she ask me answer yes or no.. den i cant stand de.. for a first time i dare defend for myself ...i said '' NO" to her.. den she scold again i make road for you why can't you go.. okay find monday don't go to work.. have your life.. den she wallk and fainted infront of me.. you know how heartache for me seing her like that .. i dunno izzit her trick or real.. once b4 she did same thing to lou tao.. so that lou tao guai guai no one dare over her.. i dunno izzit she do the same thing to me either.. that time i know i allready lost control...den she lie on floor den said while sobbing and paining.. said that ...''look even my own daughter also dun wan help me i live for what.. i better go die better'' den she call my bro while crying.. den said to them '' you both need guai guai... if i die jor must take care your own..'' den say many fucking things... that time i feel wanna suicide infront of her.. den ... once i walk my whole body nno energy de... whole body cold.. and start feel so numb and heartbeat getting faster.. den i remember i pull my own hair wanna hit myself on wall or anything or wan go out from house... i really couldn't stand all this ... i'm totallly freaks out and so damn fucking tense de... i hate what she do all this shit... i hate myself for making her like that ... that's why i keep to myself only.. den dare to speak out and tell her anything.. cause i know if i tell her she'll like this.. haiz... den i almost unconcious on sofa... den whole body cold... and cant think anything.. me keep on crying loud and sick of all this.. den bro came and take care of me asking me eat medicine.. cause yesterday i din't my heart medicine.. den a while later after lou tao bring mum go room.. me still at down stairs still cant control.. den i remember is whole body no energy and everything black out de.. den lou tao keep calling me wake.. den i wake den i know he ask me to calm down.. den talk with me.. den i only calm down... a litttle... i ask him.. did i did wrong.. i'm i a bad gal not listen to her and defend? my fault make her like that .. really so useless de me... den ..i ask lou tao... you know how much pain i had? how much tense i'm i? lou tao sure know how much pain i had.. cause each time i talk to him.. den.. ask me not to cry ask me calm down.. den after talk a while i try to calm down.. not to think of anything de.. really so tired.. den mummy fainted at upstairs again.. haiz.. all my fault..i know mum said so loud she said.. why all ppl also like that... haiz.. i dunno which wan is true.. out of sudden lou tao said.. mummy make this road for me.. last time lou tao said is because her interest.. i also dunno which wan is true.. i'm totally confuse.. and sick of it.. too tired of all this.. den after i rest a hile and down.. mum back room... i back room... that time once i close my eyes i really scare.. and re-flash back how she faint infront of me.. and those cruel words.. makes me scare of her.. den i hide under the blanket keep on crying non stop.. praying to god ask god.. if you wan take her life... i rather you take mine.. i dun she suffer any more.. den i keep on crying. try to listen some songs try to calm down.. den fall asleep..den this morning wake up .. both eyes swollen de.. haiz.. whole body no energy.. and i walk out from the door saw her .. dunno why .. i turn back room hide.. dunno why i really scare of her de.. haiz.. i know too much thinking in my mind de... really wanna tell all out and wan to have little freedom.. wanna leave all this away.. very san fu.. sick of all this...wanna go out work and try new things gain out side experience only wanna prove to her i can... but she keep think that i dun wan help her.. and many things... haiz...what should i do..why happen this freaking this to me...

*rest day

atlest the day where no worries and no scold... cause... mum and lou tao travel... lucky.. do thing s as usual... den pui my gu jie out.. the first word she ask me is... how's her eyes.. i told her little swollen.. i ask her izzit cried yesterday? after quarrel woth my mum? guess what ... haiz... gu jie told me that ... she doesn't have a chance to speak out den my mum keep scold non stop de.. haiz.. den one word she also din't expect that my mum say that she very dissappointed of what she doing.. den she said that my mum go combaine the relationship and work together.. den she told me that.. while she was drive back home she keep on tears falling till back home till before sleep.. haiz..seems like gu jie and me are almost same condition... both also sick of her attitude.. my mum really over do and harsh jor... haiz..i saidd before.. if really wan to co-opperate with my mum that person should be a very patience ppl... haiz..really cant stand for it..den she told me that she also got talk about me... at office... said that you also cant force your daughter like that de ma.. suddenlly get scolded innocently.. and don't complaine about me.. cause me at office everyday... wan to how to get experience... how to learn... sit office take care of office? or wait for walk in customer? where got walk in customer? den many things le.. haiz.. haiz.. still thinking wanna work outside or with her... den gu jie said if i go KL many bad things happen... if i stay here work out atleast i got little freedom.. if work with her no freedom and more worst.. oh yeah.. haiz.. if i work out there..guess what my mom say what..'' if i work out there i need pay for my own insurance... 200.. petrol 200.. den 300 for my car loan.. every month i need pay.. haiz.. den if i work with her i only pay for petrol.. den insurance half.. loan no need.. so damn fuck de.. haiz.. i also din't say i wan insurance yet.. haiz.. so damn expensive.. dunno wan for what i also got medical insurance mai enuf lo still wan add so much... haiz.. you say what i should do... haiz.. whole afternoon think of this also fan.. gu jie soon also leaving company.. haiz.. dunno how my mum handle... haiz.. i also dunno anything de.. haiz.. den at night hang out with my bro and boy at jusco.. ate at sushi king.. den at jusco find some vacancy.. really feel like wan join barista.. but only got 900 only.. haiz.. dunno how le.. tired man.. think of all this.. why happen it to me de.. haiz.. go yao die dun go yau die.. doc said that i cannot over tense the more i tense the more bigger my neck.. because of the stupid sickness... worst to worst need opperate... haiz.. if i higher.. haiz... dunno how le.. really so fan...even my heart condition wasn't good either... haiz... need medication... haiz..

*gees..replace blog for wed...

yesterday i write all this de... little emotion yesterday.. when after i finish write the blog suddenly i accidentally deleted the whole thing.. haiz... waste... neway... haiz... i can tell some that on wed.. haiz... like normal mum scold me everyday.. on that day i really so get scolded badly till i cant stand.. yet i still not speaking anything out... till she ask me what in my mind thinking... said that me not concentrate of what i'm doing.. bla bla and bla... haiz.. till she ask me what's my purpose that i work at her shop.. i told her i wanna try help her.. and i haven finish say anything she one word jau say "you at here or not i dun need your help... THE MORE I SEE YOU THE MORE I VERY KEK HEI... THE MORE FAN I SEE YOU" haiz.. what do you expect.. after listen what she say all this..haiz... really feel so disappointed after listen to it... i already forget my career and try to help her because of her health condition... haiz.. dunno what in her mind.. i dun mind she sscold me or what i'm just trying to und this in this career... i dun have experience what do yo expect i got... she even said that ''why you din't you your stupid head... why you din't use common sense'' haiz... really so damn fan de... after what she say and tell... on afternoon.. she quarrel with lou tao about lunch.. even small problem also quarrel.. den ... night quarrel with my gu jie.. till separate business.. haiz.. why things going on like that.. i notice that .. since she enter this career she become more cruel... and yet.. at night my tong mui called me.. asking me how's my condition.. and others.. she said her mum told her that i always at office cry at corner... den ask her talk with me.. i talk half way my tears keep falling till cant stop keep sobbing.. haiz.. she said she scare i got ''yao what jing'' depressions... haiz... always hide and cry... keep things.. haiz.. what to do... she mum my.. i cant defend cause i scare her health and heart attack... haiz.. i try to und de.. but seems like i'm trouble maker for her...that time i got think of do stupid things.. but i din't ... really so tired of it.. haiz.. den lou tao came in my room.. ask me why i'm crying..i said nothing den he keep ask. den i told her.. even he said mummy really over do de.. den soon not gonna help her much de.. she dun realize that what happen after... haiz...all also scare my condition now...cause.. too many sadness inside de... and being middle person for all.. haiz.. all also can feel my thing why cant my mum cant feel.. den when down for dinner she ask me do i still wan to work? den i said maybe no .. just let me think about it 1st.. haiz.. den last word she said that me & gujie are same... both also ''tong cin jok doi'' anti money.. haiz.. to me... if i get jor money yao how la.. mai same like normal human jek ma... what do you expect...money really kills a lots ppls...even dear said .. not scare my mum masuk hospital.. is me who will masuk hospital.. haiz... at night all wanna go to bed de.. i heard lou tao calling mum...wake up... haiz.. mum fainted.. heart attack back again... haiz.. fainted few times... haiz.. too stressful de with this kind of fucking life... i dunno i wanna do what now.. just blank.. complicated... so damn heartache.. that day really the most worst day ever..

*yesterday night

this wan is when start preparing and putting praying those stuff... haha.. kinda big fire that time... almost 200packet of charcoal use for this event..

praying for those god for blessing..asking few god to come out from temple to walk over

this wan is when bring the 9 wong yeh cross over the road...see those moon?this one is normal human... accually i'm one of them walikng there..see those circle thingy like moon? they'll say might be ghost or those god's... when we passing thru...really damn a lots man..

see this is the result after finish walk on the charcoal.. haha... dark feet.

haha... really a new kind of experience... walk on the charcoal.. lolx... kinda fun... took some few pics...*those pic's lolx... kinda fun ... running here and there follow a fella who has take a few years already.. haha... but need apologize to my baby err.. gomen gomen... haha... left you at side... *muakxx after took the few pic's only start walking ... on it... too bad.. cant take my pic's... really un lucky eh... hehe.. first step was okay.. den till half way... kinda feel little warm.. den almost till the end ... kinda feel little hot..haha..den end there.. i know i keep jump around... haha...

*tired of her

really so tired of being insult.. tired of being get blame .. tired of being get scold for no reason.. tired of being what i have being doing... tired of being be patience .. tired of everything..haiz.. really too tense of what she had being why she could beccome like that .. everyone need to obey her... soon.. sure a lots things happen in this company.. i bet on it... cause.. all need to care for her attitude... and try to tahan her thing.. haiz.. she always think that what she also right and she geng... haiz.. even today my gu jie also say .. "you also dunno anything ... cause you dun have experince how you gonna face in this thingy.. not all also same like her.. being so brilliant and talented... each person got own different way.. but your mum really forcing you so much... what also she say.. and decide... no support... dunno why your mum like that.. i guess soon me and gonna become like you.." haiz... honestly.. haiz.. really this few days almost wanna take a smoke or anything just to release tense.. but.. i din't do it.. haiz... really feels so tired... and keeping inside... even i speak out.. din't really help me release.. really so tense.. haiz.. why no one know what i'm going thru... and facing... you'll say jau easy... but.. me.. is the victim.. really hard to face it... what can't you'll und...cause you din't really happen to you... haiz.. i just need some time onlly... really feels so damn tired..this few days makes me feels like wanna do something crazy.. that involve blood... haiiz.. but luckly .. i can manage it... i din't .. haiz... really wan find a way to relax myself.. and make it better living now...

*haiz.. during the night after dinner & today's

gees.. disaster start again.. damn it.. yesterday night really feel so bad mood once my mum & lou tao said that i care my own friends than the family.. DAMN IT...SINCE WHEN I DID THAT TO THEM...seems to be is my mum doing that .. how could it happen... i told mum i wan to go see ivan band.. den so coincident at the same date also my dear b'day too.. we did plan going to genting for celebrate it... but.. haiz... den mum one one jau say... who's important your bro or your friends... haiz.. no need say la sure your friend and your bf than family.. DAMN IT... IF I DUN CARE THE FAMILY AR... I WONT BE SO GUAI LISTEN TO HER DAMN ORDER AND STAYING AT HERE HELPING HER LA... JUST TO FORGET MY DREAM AND WASTING MY FUCKING TIME TO HELP HER MEH... HAIZ... that's why i already waste my time a lots... and she keep wan me to help her with the business.. accountant.. interior design or electronics... damn it.. all i also dun like it... how would i do it... even today in morning she scolded me that why my observation so slow... bla bla and bla.. tiu... really so frustrated when i listen those things.. what also she say... haiz... i hate myself why i couldn't defend for myself... haiz... why i need take care or her... why not me.. seems like since i back from KL she doesn't like me much jor... keep scold and putting those blame on me.. all... haiz.. yesterday i almost punch to the window... or wanna take a smoke... really so damn wasting my time... even i sick... also non of my family care or knows about it la.. doc said that i'll be easy tired and thinking little slow... haiz... really ... so frus de.. today what she say for a few times... plus yesterday... really kinda killing me already... so headache... haiz... no longer like last time so brave and strong... just feel like i'm a puppet to her de... life really no meaning like that...

*outing with dear.. luiz.. & bebe

LOLX.. when for a movie yesterday... me & bebe watch the movie twice already weh.. haha... cute... watch back the cloudy meatball... gees.. kinda funny man.. den before that we had our lunch at food and tea..had some jokes... with my sakai dear & luiz & bebe... haha... kinda enjoing the moment... den till 3sum.. go for our movie till 5sum... haha.. lolx.. luiz bring bf.. me bring bebe... only my dear and venis they'll couple le... haha.. den gals... picture time at the toilet.. LOLX.. kinda freak few ppl ... cause we took the place.. laughing kinda loud... i remember one gang of malays gal came in den do back the same thing we did.. haha.. den went off.. haha... *too bad.. need wait to upload ours photo's.. haha.. tomorrow only upload...kinda enjoy eventhough just for few hours..

*y3TerD@y niGhT

awh man... ends up i decided to join my parents they'll to go Batu Gajah there invite god come... as now ... is 9 wong yeh season.. so now lou tao friends and the sifu went there to either... haha.. when reach the place like around 10something... haha.. at there like got stage concert.. haha.. for a first time i see this man.. haha... den like usual.. burn the joss stick for those god.. and back to place... den i tel mum i go see the concert.. haha... one guy.. oh gosh... feel like wanna laugh that time really dunno why.. maybe because of his outfit or whatever... haha... seems like kinda attractive.. lolx... the way they'll dance... haha... really so funny man... haha... really Pui Fok those dancer on the stage.. dance non stop... even R&B dance also included.. i'm if not mistaken is Hips Dun lie that song and one Chinese song i also forget jor... mostly also hokkien songs... and beyond songs more.. haha.. too bad... den once till 11.20 like that... the ceremony inviting god begins... preparation.. i remember got "na cha" .. and 5 god.. and last but not least the "9 wong yeh" haha... actually that time i feel my body little cold before the ceremony.. haha.. finger like uncontrollable... haha.. even my mummy ... keep yawn.. den when start walking.. oh gosh... i walk that time really kinda chilling oh... den body getting weaker.. haha... lou tao ask me take care of mum... but ends up... me no energy.. haha... feel like wanna faint... lolx... haha.. one buy one looking at those expert "siong tong".. gees... kinda attracted... haha.. suddenly think of dai ma and the last time those gang... they'll play this.. LOLX.. den walk back there take a rest a while den okay de... haha.. i know i reach there my heart beat beat stronger.. faster... and i forget take my medicine go there..=.='' sakai de.. haha.. took few of the picture.. i know the sifu put the god inside back to the place.. den .. left one god.. haha... all asking for a toto number.. LOLX... i also go see see.. den lazy see jor.. haha... i bet tomorrow many ppl buy that number... haha... sakai de... den lou tao say me ... me and mum also same.. both also almost kena.. =.=''' sakai de... what la.. haha.. crazy ppl.. now i'm still thinking i wanna walk on the charcoal not next Monday.. i scare eh... =.=''' ... anyway .. yesterday really awesome.. haha

@ tOd@y

as normal... sent my bro to school... back home sleep... and back office... mop and sweep floor... like normal routine... breakfast together with parents... den back office continue work... awh.. really tiring... dunno why... who the sakai took my bottle ... T.T.. my bottle is my baby gave to me... now lost jor... dunno izzit weather got ghost took it or customer took it.. damn it de la... no water drink.. cham.. my favourite bottle lai de ar... wuwuwu... wanna cry a lots leh...oh yeah.. today is my beloved lui lui birthday oh.. but too bad... haha... yesterday wanna wish her at 12..but ends up i fall asleep at 11.45... *yawn haha.. gomen gomen oh.. haha.. but anyway i wish her today.. really long time no see her jor.. haha... maaybe this saturday ajak her ba... lolx... go gai gai.. see first... gees... haven plan this satuday wanna do what... sianz err... now waiting back home.. cook... den tonight parent going to invite god or something... i also forget ... thinking wanna go not... really little headache eh.. feels like wanna go...erm.. how le...

*tHIs foR my B@by

baby... i'm sorry about yesterday night i hurt you... i told you de... you might be suffer a lots if you with me ... cause you need to learn more to comfort me... haiz... yesterday night when you ask me about his thing ... dunno why tears keep falling..cause when you ask those question ... makes me like i'm a bitch.. keep hurt ppl feeling those kind of ppl... i'm sorry ... haiz.. i dun wan you feel hurt .. because of me.. i know you love me... i know maybe you think that i replace you for him.. accually.. you din't.. first that time i do have those kind of feel.. but later on i notice i din't... baby.. all i know is i really love you... i know you try so hard to get together back with me... i'm sorry ... i hurt you few times.. i know you sometimes upset when you can't tam me or anything.. i dint compare you and him...you is you.. he is he...you and he is different ppl.. i know i love you ... i don't play ppls feelings... cause i made a mistake... before.. just i can't forgive myself only.. i just wan you to support me... and standing my side.. hugging me..give me those comfortable feelings only...help me to pass this road with me... really so hard to walk alone.. cause i'm not last time de... i feel like i'm getting weaker de.. no longer like last time anymore...baby.. really sorry... i love you...

*y@wn*

like usual... sending my sakai bro to school... had breakfast with my bebe.. lolx.. haha.. went to his house... burn CD... of Course got *sweet la... haha ... teng each others... haha... so funny when pinch him... he yell like sakai... sakai de... he pinch me back and hit me... pain sei... of course me also will revenge de la.. haha... den ... when i finding the songs to burn.. he give a little trick... haha..'' eh.. your hair got something.." haha ... den pull out the ring... help me wear back...although a * little out dated... but atleast feel kinda happy cause first time he doing this.. haha.. he helps me wear back ring.. of course got * muakxX de la... haha... so funny de him... like sakai... den rush back home... had a hug ... kinda comfortable... lolx... den back to the hell office now... doing nothing.. sianz tou me fatt mou jor... wuwuwu.. but that sei sakai de... at Parede enjoying... PLAY BOWLING.... HENG!!! sumor ask me wan go not... so fatt one de... wuwuwu... *stomach screaming cham le.. now alone at office doing nothing.. sianz tou fatt mou lo... sakai de la...

*ish* so un fair...

yoh.. talk about yesterday night really kek sei me de la.. what la... mummy so good... mummy angry den lou tao say tam her den buy phone for mummy ... wuwuwu.. lou tao bought one phone for her at SG.. F100 in malaysia also haven yet... den yesterday yao buy new phone jor.. another sony erricson de.....teng... so good de.. i wan also cannot.. but yao keep ask me like what phone and wan what phone... =.=''' sakai de... i like one phone... W series... but leh up and down de... wuwuwu.. w995 RM1755 leh... wuwuwu.. den my second option is W 902.. RM1099... den now another one W960.. dunno how much..wuwuwu.. cham... so bad de... yao ask wan what phone den i say i wan that den she say you buy ownself la... so sakai de... nevermind.. i buy myself... who knows... soon got new series come out leh..
W995

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W960i

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MORE FUNCTION THAN W902i

wuwuwu...i wan eh... T.T.. if i got chance i sure buy the w995 le... waiting cheaper... rather havee full function... or keep wait lu...cham..

*y@wn

gees... really feels so tired today... haha... should be because of that thing... damn it... give my mummy know about my stuff jor.. wuwuwu... cham... gu jie also ask about it.. =.='''.. what the heck de la...cham... haha.. think back the doctor tell me about my sickness... lolx... i laugh when he say about... ''you got feel your thinking a bit slow ma? or you easy tired...and gain fat" lolx... chamm that moment out of sudden ... my brain think... sei lo... what also slow... mai become like tortoise lo... hahaa.... cause tortoise what also slow de... blurr blurr case... cham.. every morning also need eat the medication... haha... but the doc still cant figure it out why my heartbeat can be so fast.. haha... but neway... i din't feel like faint or anything de... guess my body kinda feels so weak de... lolx... recently also feels like wan to take a nap.. at office... feels so tired eventhough i dint do anything... kinda bored.. cham.. headache now... lazy write... hang kei...

awh... yesterday ...

hehe.. yesterday out with my dear... seems like my dear kinda have a lots frustration... lolx... morning ask me question.. kinda freaks me a moment... lolx... but anyway... meet her... den plan go yum cha but ends up me stuck in stupid traffic jam almost like half an hours... and that sakai chang nam ... lolx... *gomene ba... din't come visit ya.. too late jor... haha... next time ba... neway.. he sent each sms both also same like my dear sms.. haha... feel like wanna laugh while i'm ddriving... haha.. after that we finally reach the destination at wooley.. we ate and went to fetch my bebe... den dear said she wan go 9 wong yeh there... we went there... oh gees.. i feel like killing my dear... =.=''' we bought there prayer thingy.. den she say she dun wan go in... ends up me and bebe went inside... come out with all the tears.. gees.. she at outside sitting...=.=''' dear.. i'm gonna kill you next time.. den we watch the chinese opera a while sent her back home... atleast hope she feels better .. neway... we fail our mission ... oh yea... i remember went we at mission... oh gosh.. to find those shop at old town... my god.. i keep losted.. and keep going to wrong road... lucky no car.. ppl one way.. i always go on the opposite... tupid dear... scare me a lots... =.='' laugh sumor at me... lucky no police.. or else she really gonna kena badly... that time i only remember she told me a joke ...'' aiya.. nevermind dear... if kena catch also nevermind... give the police man see the dai bei can jor.. lolx.. den will lepas us de'' oh gosh ... most remember this thing..=.='' lucky... haha...den after fetch dear back home... me and my boy went to massage with mummy near tong kui there... i was fall asleep there... haha... first time... lolx.. den back home around 12sum... den sleep... oh gosh... really so tired today... dunno why...sumor give mum *xUCk ... damn it... haiz... always like that ... i also lazy choy her...jor... oh.. how good we got chance play again like this... with dear and bebe and a bunch of friends... lolx...

Ah@... hehehe...finally something good happen.. i guess..

atleast i din't ge scold from my mom yesterday... i guess... not really remember... all i knew is... whole day headache like normal... sitting in the office like sakai ppl .. keep dreaming... lolx hehe... asleep in the office sumor... hehe... had some few jokes early in the morning with my boy... lolx... he keep on losing and cant answer... haha... funny him... afternoon... my gu jie kinda look so deppressed... should be love problem le... each time also like that de... should be cheated by a man le... haiz... pity her... looking at her keep on smoking non stop... really makes me think of me last time... like being like her... haha... but it's okie le... atleast now she and my mummy in KL... me alone in office enjoying playing with my lappy... hehe... cute... den yesterday when i reach home... haha... joker ... me so careless ... lock my car... and my car key inside the car.. funny... hehe... get nag from lou tao a while... den later on... hehe... kena toto... LOLX... hehe... kena also no use wan buy phone ... mum dun let... really cham err... wuwuwu... each time also like that de... pity pity... she said wo ... you wan ar... okay lo.. i pay 499 you pay 1k lo... damn it... so LC i rather i keep my money for go to JAPAN or KOREA with my baby better... hehe... now need gambate keep money ... need start saving... hehe... wan go travel only... after travel... wan lappy... den only W Series PHONE... if worst to worst... i go out and work... better than here... hehe... waiting this whole month changes lo... haha... if still the same i get scold... and nag den i rather work kout there better... haha... haiz... accually wanna back KL help daddy le... daddy yesterday sms me... wonder if any changes that i could go back KL not le.. i told him less chances le... i bet for sure he at there really suffer le..doing things alone le... still cant hired someone yet le... pity man... haiz... really wish someone could help him le... but anyway... pray that he will get someone to help his burden ba... hehe...

TOO tireD ...

ReALLY feels so tired today... should say ... everyday... tired of getting scold and fetch bro... sometimes tired of being at here either... recently really get headache a lots.... really dunno why... morning reach office... do normal things like usual... sweep and mop floor... haiz. really dunno why each day also must get scold from mum.. damn it... today scold me about how i wear... damn it... say i wear like a girl just finish work at pub and go to work... damn it la... said i wear my skirt so short bareback de shirt ... really ar.. she's the one who call me wear skirt everyday... now say me like that... really dunno what the heck in her mind... i can say that ... really a lots of ppl doesn't like her of being this kind of atitude of rushing ppl and giving those fucking temper... haiz.... not much ppl who can really stand her this kind of attitude.... really get sick of her de... till now... i'm still sitting in office doing nothing... really so damn piss of it... for back here... really feel so tired and regret... eventhough i get bad result she also dint know la... in her mind only cares her work only... where got cares about us... haiz... only know scold me and blaming me only... really damn fuck... sick of being get blame already... but... each time she scold or blame i think i use to it already and i think.. and makes me feels so nuts for being staying at this freaking world....haiz... afternoon dad sms me asking how about me... and b4 that i sms him about my salary... accually i just wanna test him weather he enuf money not...yet... he get tested that... his business getting low de... he sms me that end of this month only give us the money... says that this month income getting low... haiz... just wonder how's the shop now... wonder how would it be now... really worried about them so much... haiz... if not because of my mom... they wouldn't become like that de lo... haiz.... so heartache man.... really dunno why... makes me felt that this month really a bad month... i tried to cheer myself... but really so hard man... tired of being here already.... sick of it....that's why.... each time my blog also full of sadness than hapiness... haiz...

really worst day ever..

haiz...morning had a nightmare... about my boy.. my family... and accident... after wake... fetch bro to school like normal... eat breakfast... fetch maid back home... till home... change my cloth my stupid damn door lock me up.. damn it... i ask the maid push the damn door... she go push a little once i shout loudly said push la... push harder then only can open.. once reach at office get scolded by my mom... saying that rubbish everywher this and that... what the hell.. start with a damn freak in the morning... den later on... afternoon lunch break finally get the card... thee stupid post man really so dumb ... put the letter at my car... so damn sakai ppl... bring the letter go to the office... get my card to asking me to get my result... damn it... haiz... get my result only score 6c... really tears falling ... what the hell... study so hard... only get 6c... really so damn it... i tell my tuition teacher about it... she was shock why i can score so low... haiz... really cant stand man... really feeel so piss off of it.. even i guy which is no study simply do also can get 5c.. damn it... yesterday night... my finally say the truth that... since i came back from KL .. house getting messy and dirty... haiz... as if like putting the blame on me once again... haiz... really sick of being here in IPOH... damn it... really in my heart that time feels like telling her that " if i come back from KL i make a mess in house then i rather back to KL and you have your life here without me better... i rather back KL and have my life... without stress or any sadness at here.... i'm sick of being at here getting the blame and getting being scold innocently" damn it... haiz... really felt so regret back here wasting my time and energy sitting at office doing nothing... she always said that i'm stupid that i dint find things to do this and and that... i feels like i going to office is like a maid... do cleaning stuff mopping.. sweeping... and serve drinks... haiz... really sick of it... here badly .... really wish that she know what she thinking and doing ... i dun mind helping her or even get blaming from her... i just wan her do yo u really understand what i'm going thru... or i need some courage and support,.... not putting me here doesn't let me see the outside world...giving the impression to other ppl that.. i being pamper by my mum... i dun wan ppl see me like that... i'm sick of it already...

HAIZ...

geees.... yesterday really so damn tired.. mornig feetch bro school... and get nag and blame in morning... haiz....when till night ... tot i might be better with the love one hanging out and try to get some fresh air... and have some enjoying moment... but yet... everything get worst than i tot... what to do... it feels like walking alone see things alone... time pass more slow.. and headache getting more worst ... after dinner.. walk and walk... only notice that yesterday whole day i forget eat my heart medicine and for the breath medicine too... that's why at night really so pain.. hiding the pain infront of him... guess he dint really notice... and know it... 1st we plan play bowling as we compete each other.. first game was so terible.. simply throw... still not a single word between me and him.. haiz... at that timw see his finger no longer wear the ring ... out of sudden i take off my ring either... not worth it... wearing the ring alone... doesn't really understand what's the meaning of it yet i guess..haiz... putting it back in bag... continue plays... second game got talk... atleast little fun and laugh inside me...accually.. that time inside ... feels like crying i guess...really so tired that kind of feels... but.. luckly.. after the bowling he did what he do... but yet.. dunno why still not really know what i really wan.. then we went to the eating place behind JJ... sitting.. looking at his bro and gal.. really so sweet... that time really wish that he could have his bro atitude taking care and caring ... and can give me those kind of feels.... but... haiz... dunno why... after drinking at there... sent me back home...den i decided to return back the RIng to him... that time... really dunno why i return back to him... that time my heart kinda heartache and inside feels like crying... dunno why... guess kinda funny man...giving back to him to keep it... back home,.. really wan to cry out... but really dunno why i couldn't lo... really so much pain inside ... really pain... really sometimes i do think if i become single how would it feelss like...again... me and him already 1year 10month... still like that... he was the longest relationship i had... my mind now it's like eveerything is mixing up... haiz....help me man.... really felt so sucks...right now... haiz... already did a mistake b4... i dun wan repeat again... letting someone go... tired of having this already...how good i could have a hug right now...

DAMN IT... I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

DAmn it... why always i get scold and blame for nothing... damn it... shit.... really so piss off with this kind of attitude... almost all of us .... really cant really stand her man... not because of what... just because she always think she right.. and everyone is wrong... damn it... soon.... i can say... another disaster gonna happen ... even lou tao say so.. damn it... i most anti ... in the morning which is i get nagging from her and get scolded for being late to work... damn it.... i told her that i'll going to work... den lou tao said later bring mum stuff and go eat breakfast together... okay fine... i go... i late 10minutes... since she ask me bring her stuff... damn it... once i reach she also finish eat de la... she reach early so? at eating place there... she keep nag... about my working hours.. that my working hours will be at 9-6pm... den last time said is 9-5pm.. cause i go back home to cook ma.. now say this... okay.. still fine with me... damn it... most HATE it is that... she said once i came to her office ... she said the office like trash only ... unprofessional and doesn't look like a showroom... den said my stuff making the place look like trash... damn it.. is her place make it the whole thing like a trash.. what the hell .... she ask me not to touch her stuff... sumor now wanna blame me wo... damn it...what THE HELL... den that time like around 9.20 de.. den lou tao de food reach de.. den he ask him faster eat... she wan go de.. den lou tao ask her den ar.. you go first le... i ask daughter pui me eat le... den she go to car there and pass by .. with her fierce look she say your gu jie also reach jor... you still at here... damn it... lou tao ask me to pui him eat now you ask me back... damn it de la... what also she de la.... haiz.... dunno what she doing and what she thinking ... so damn it de lo.... haiz... really damn piss off... back to IPOH lo... keeping me at here is like at HELL TO ME!!!!!

just doing nothing... out of sudden check webby...

and i was wondering weather i'm i have the depression...
Symptoms of Depression
* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, * Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions* Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping* Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain* Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts* Restlessness, irritability* Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain...
almost everything here... almosst all i got .... just wonder....haiz... asking him giving clue... to him... he ask me back... heart attack ar? this ar... haiz... forget it... guess alone know better... and he just told me... that his father got into an accident... haiz... sure he frus le... i was wonder... what his mind thinking and my mind thinking le...really ... messing up.. really cant hink of any thing right now.. too headache... felt so guilt... haiz... dunno ar.... sitting office facing 4walls... doing nothing... alone.... just alone ...just wonder... nothing to do

yesterday was a disaster...

haiz... really dunno why recently my mum what the heck in her mind... always thinks that she's right... haiz... till lou tao also cannot stand of her... lou tao keep tam her.. she dint really appreciate it... always fatt pei hei... always think that she is correct... haiz... talk with lou tao... he share to me... ask me to be careful and try to dun touch her things or else anything gone wrong... then put the blame to others... accually in my heart aready spoken... i always get the blame... and i always wrong... what to do... that's why sad always... what do you expect... haiz... den he also mention... see you le.. you sick jor ar... she keep work only.. where got time bring you see doctor... say make porridge for you ... also forget... haiz.... that time accually i wanna say to him... i already use to this life de... even i got sickness i'll take care my own .... use to it already... eat also cook myself le... what to do wo... always do her stuff as a daughter de la... she always think that using of me... and tot i can do everything .... haiz... almost everything i can help her... only that i dun have the interest... guess why i always cant let go or argue with her... just because she got heart attack... that's why i dun really dare to reject her... i follow what she say... but... as i just came back from KL... she said ask me to learn design... okay fine.. i go find.... but.... she dint care and ask me to pay for my own study... raise myself... that's still okay... further more... she ask me to learn things... said bringing me out from office teach me this and that.. ends up... i sitting in the office play com.. mop and swipe floor.. read magazine... and buy food for my bro... haiz.... she always think that she always right .... everyone is wrong.... teach me how to do costing and planning whereby she's the one who dun have costing and planning... haiz... that's why lou tou kinda frrustrated recently.. i can see ... last sunday was suppose to pui him tto go out for drink... just to relax our mind... unfortunately... i sick... at night and keep vomit... as soon as lou tao out .... me drive own car.. and see.... doctor said food poison... the next day .. same thing repeat... vomit non stop... den after fetch bro find my boy... den he fetch me go see doc together with her mum tooo... really ma fan sai her mother... haiz... at that time i wish my mum that make porridge for me and ask me eat medicine like how his mum did to me...now my mum is turning to another person... and even yesterday lou tao said.. if i i knew last time i should be cruel say not to be together again.. he repeated twice de... haiz... i really dun wan lost him too... only he i could talk a lots... than my own father... my life... i really dunno how to discribe....haiz... yesterday already frus about them.. out of sudden he mention about study... the more thing i think... haiz... too fan de... sumor add more... these few days really doesn't have enough time too sleep always wake at 3am... haiz.. ddunno what's going on with me now... recently... heartbeat up and down... low blood pressure... if i continue like that...soon i think i'm not gonna stay here longer i guess... but... anyway... life is short... no matter what is my report say to... i dun care no matter how sick i'm i dun care... i only care for my family and the love one... or buddies only... i wish my life would change ... awhhh... hehee... felt little realease de... speak some of them... need sorry for my love one... cause yesterday i dint tell you... i wanted to tell ya.. but you aready start talking about study..i cant stand start chest pain and cant breath le... tears keep falling... that's why i turn off the phone le... gomen gomen...

missing KL so muchh....

owh... man.. really miss KL so so much... KL is the place where is like heaven... no worries ... but only certain time kinda frustrated... rather now back to ipoh.... sit in

office... keep do and work... hehe... miss KL food... so many food on the table... haha... now at home eat 4 dishes... cham... atleast at KL i can try different taste... i remember on my last day at KL celebrate our farewell in SHOGUN... geess... first time eat oyster... hehe... kinda niice... but kinda weird taste.. haha... as i said ... 1st time...ShOGUN... awh.. miss that place.... food of heaven... lolx....table all sushi... oyster...seafood...
jelly fish... haha...others like western too...UNAGI.... haha... nice food... and provide dessert too... hehe... too bad my stomach cant put so much... neway... late update my blog... haha...