~p@sT i$ p@sT~

what had already pass jau pass de le... can denied it... today really no idea what i'm going to say and talk... but... just let it be.... although too many things happen recently.. really going thru a very hard time.... just... moment already pass de... it became history.. and no longer to be remember... but... what if a sweet moment??? it just make it keep haunted you ... for the rest of your life only... first when together... sure happy and enjoy.. but when things turn bad.. and hard going thru... things goes... worst... just broken to few pieces... eg: like a glass fell on floor... and brokes into few pieces.. and just left a piece of memories... and nothing.. some need time to forget the someone left those precious moment... those happiness... but some... dint care or think about it... and had a new life.. but .. to me seems like really hard... yea although tot can find a real love that can stand long.. but ends up destroy... kinda frust and hard to accept it... but ... what if the ppl ask back you and wan you together back with him... but both also already had own life... but still have the love remain... but... to me... as i said... past already past.. cant become present... or maybe... if we got fate... we still can together in future... cause life really un predicted... just appreciate what you having now...and had own life... dun lie to the partner... and be happy for them.. yea.. although is hard.. but just let it be... have a own life... own way... *yawn... sweepy... headache... i also dunno what i'm mumbling... lolx....anyway.. just write whatever in my brain...

*si@nz... i told de.. i'm the one who really hard predict...

really no idea... what the heck i listen really kinda really feel so disappointed... and dunno others mix feels too.. i know... mum are still my mum... she raise me... and do this... but.. sometimes i really cant stand that i kept secret for her... and getting blame... or even using me to help her... or even she now destroying family where i having now... really enough for this de... after what she did... although i know family are the closest person... but... seems like to me... she's dun really care about it.. she care about money and wealth... luxury... haiz... as me and my bro's keeping quiet.. even my stepfather.. still on her side... just that... since young... mum cares bro than me... even my dad... really so obvious that since young they did for so long... but i also dint care much.... or know about it... as long as i'm still taking care of my bro's enuf de... i got care for her... but how much did she care for me? yea she did care for me... but she really over do it... by forcing... accountancy.. to catering... and now interior design? really dunno how many times i need to listen to her... dad told me to be careful what my mum will do..i'm a person who care family than friends... but... sometimes i do really disappointed that .. stepfather or even mum said that i care outsider ... friends or even loves one... damn it... monday to sunday everyday at home... or office work... by doing nothing... sometimes i really thinking i'm i doing the right thing... helping her like this by destroying my own dreams ???just to fulfills her wish...???? haiz... she got care meh... even i sick... i go see doc my self... even bro sick i taking care if bro but she??? haiz.. even got time she go shopping only... and she always said to others ppl... i'm doing this job just because of interest... not for money... den another face that she told us 3... she said she do this for us... haiz... for what... i know you did this... but... family already got few business de... electronics... and accountancy de... what for need so much.. we can earn money fast... but only that will destroying family feels only... a lots of argument... and others stuff.., or even understanding...you know... since young ... dad already went to KL for a long time... just work... i nt really see him so much...yea.. i know .. and i do know he did wrong.. got mistress outside... i dun really care.. yea... i do hate him a while.. for not coming back.. and did this... destroying family... actually i do appreciate family feels.. but... haiz... things really doesn't goes very well... hiaz... lost the family feels for so long de... that's why keeping inside so long... without telling all out... who .. or someone or a child just wan a simple wish that... just wanna have perfect family... enjoying... and communicate.... haiz.. forget it.. i know... maybe you'll might feels that i selfish or maybe coward... or what so ever... but... i guess no one will und how would i feels for a time being... cause too much things keeping inside... and i really dint know how to speak all out...all this just part of it... better stop saying... *life really really unpredictable..trying to facing what is in front... and try so finish the day... trying to make life better... and happier... on that day... even though going thru a hard time...but... really so hard to facing all this... ALONE....

how good..

MY LIFE GET BETTER ...

i really wish that i can get back my own family...
really wishing she return back normal...
really wishing that how good she dun over do...
really wish that stop scolding me... really sick of her keep scolding me...
although i been 2month in KL... no ppl scold me... honestly speaking... i really dint miss that she keep on scolding me... but... tortoise said he did miss her mum scolding.. but to me... i dint miss at all.. i just... wan back the mum who is last time.. not so fierce.. and thinking much better...not like now.. haiz... keep scold and get blame so innocent... dunno when only get back the one i wish.. haiz...



BESTIES...a friend for life...
a gal that talks with and knows me...
although she cant always out... but... even she talks with me... i already feels release..
A LOTS....what la.. cant speak much... cause cant think much... appreciate what you had..
*Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

THE ONE I LOVES.... although he tries so hard to comfort me and cheer me... but..really sometimes dint really help .... something or sometimes not in a right time...
*Love feels no burden, regards not labors, strives toward more than it attains, argues not of impossibility, since it believes that it may and can do all things. Therefore it avails for all things, and fulfils and accomplishes much where one not a lover falls and lies helpless.

*sigh...

really no idea.. what the heck i did... and seems like everyone scold and yelling at me... damn it... from lou tao... to damn maid.. to mum.... and maid... at the end ... mum scolded me... damn it... really no idea what did i do man... why so damn bad de lo.. haiz... damn de la... yesterday play mahjung also keep get nag... damn it... sianz... what the heck... damn it... sianz... everyday allso like this... just like history repeat... damn it...i wanna back to KL life... freedom... enjoyment... haiz...at here what also talk about money money money... or else...possition... haiz... really dunno what did i do...whatever i did .. also wrong... so innocent...getting blame ... even i didt doo wrong also blame... damn it... sick of it...very sianz jor... talk all this shit..

*s3@m$ like making worst...

*yea.. just feels like trouble maker like pass... he ask what's planning for it... i gave some suggestion... but... seems... like he din't really likes it thou... haiz... dunno why... even... okay de... but seems like he like tense and frust ... really dunno why i got this feel... yet... even yesterday... i was desperate to watch the cyril.. cause the one doing things that something new... really dint appear and change number in front of ppls.. haiz... he ask me why dun see... tvb that show.. den i said i watching magiction.. den he replies back... know you wont watch this de la... haiz... who said i dun watch.. i'll watch later only de la.. one word that so harsh... den dunno why my stomach yao pain.. den heart also weak like that... den yao give lou tao nag.. why me so stupid watch this magic la.. why dun watch thatt... den said me you blind ga... dunno read.. den i told him la... i sure dunno read la.. he reply... if do this ar... sure live de la... damn.. how should i know... this year i only know learn to watch astro... cant denied... i know.. alll of you'll watch few years.. but not me la... i know i stupid la.. i know you'll like watch and know many things la.. one also like this... that wan also like this... stupid heart yao pain... damn it... dunno what i did wrong... always like this.. lou tao and mummy quarrel.. just because of the financial... why me become your bean bag wo.. chi sin de... i walk also pain... yesterday cant even barely walk upstairs.. cause my appendix that side suddenlly pain... dunno why... should be not appendix de la.. even got i also duncare... lucky the gal .. survive... even 4ddays broke de... really lucky de her... must be angel protecting her... wondering... when only ends all this... izzit this a test? why should a test should be like this... why so hard... sometimes i tried to ignore what my parents said... and dun listen... haiz... even previous day i see doc... haiz... really couldn't believe what my boy said... haiz... sometimes i really dunno what h thinking... haiz.... forget it... yao said defend... yao said she still my mum care for me... damn it... bla bla... thru thhis condition...??? what my mum did?? really hard and i really couldn't accept it... you not me.. how would you know and feels... really feels like our communication... getting worst... haiz... lack... i'm tired... throat there tired... i just wanna enjoy/... and wanna feel back happy from friends and loves... but... seems likee... fail from everything... maybe except from friends... loves??? really dunno... just like weather... rain & sunny... life really cant predict... life getting tougher.. and tougher...sometimes...help him find things and do stuff for him... but seems like dint really like it... dunno why can see it... true of false i already dun care.... i care... cause i love him... thou.. he like for at first.. later.. at side...haiz... really dunno what he thinking... and all.... even myself... stupid me... i hate myself ....

*TODAY

yet another... day... another bad bad day.. really so tired... haiz... morning fetch bro...go eat breakfast... go to his house... XOXO... back office like normal.. till 2sum... gu jie back... haiz... sad seing gu jie back.... really so sad.. but when she bback .. i hug her... i almost cry infront of her... lucky i dint... but she went de.. tears fall... till mum back.. she dunno calling who .. she like so happy and excited... cause gu jie not here... haiz.. dunno la.. den ... till lou tao came... scolded me... caus emy car many dust .. bla bla bla... haiz... den many things... den ask me KNOW STICK THE ROAD TAX NOT AR... den many la.. den till the gal drive car next to my car... den lou tao scold me... you see la.. i no need see the car i also know her car better than yours... yet... ANOTHER ONE COMPARE..I HATE YOU ... I HATE YOU'LL .. WONDERING WHY NO ONE KNOW ABOUT WHAT I HAVING NOW... I'MM REALLY SICK SICK OF ALL THIS... RECENTLY... REALLY LOST CONTROL FEW TIMES.. ALMOST WAN TAKE A KNIFE OF BLADE OR WHATEVER... HAIZ.. I'M TOO TIRED... REALLY REALLY SO TIRED... OF SITTING HERE...TEARS KEEP FALL... HAIZ... STOP HERE .. I CANT STAND...

yesterday

*yet.. another damn boring day... haiz... wondering i can go back gopeng eat back home cook food not.. but guess it's a no... mum seems like so excited... damn it.. really hate to say it.. grandma ask grandpa called... ask lou tao got go back eat anot.. den mum said to lou tao... if you promise den you dun find me... bla bla bla.. den lou tao said no.. den .. grandma said... she made our favourite wan tan... haiz... lou tao i guess he was force to say no... den mum called me .. said to me about it... haiz... damn it de la.. she like so excited... happy ...she even said dai sei le.. who ask them tak zui tou her wo...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.. cruel... to me.. really sad..AND FEEL SO GUILTY...haiz... afternoon.... me and mum go factory office there.. then.. like normal they'll talk a bout business and others stuff... den back into car... she go compare me.. and her.... said .. you see.. she so clever... what also know.. den said to me... she wan me learn things from her and taech her back.. and even compare to her buy learning things.. said that why i so stupid and many... haiz... till night dinner at pizza hut.. haiz... said me again ... said.. why you so stupid so useless... why cant you become like that gal... really dissappointed to you... haiz... many le.. den said why each time i say things you only know say oh ooh oh ... haiz.. dunno ar... FUXK it... haiz.. hate it alots...and even she said that.. me betral her... same gang with gopeng.. dun help her.. where by... i keep stay at her side.. listening her obey... what can i say more... damn it.. till back gopeng... i ganti my grandma place a while... play with my auntie and neighbour... both also same like me.. said.. i have no choice... since mum also wan i follow up...and dun wan me work out... haiz.. many la..so damn frustrated... accually during i pizza hut there i almost take the knife or even runaway from it... haiz... back home... really cried.. dunno why .. feels like so stupid why i cant defend for myself... and being so damn stupid....I HATE MYSELF....

really long time no update..

really .. although just one week .. no log on.. too many things happen de...

START ONE LAST MONDAY...
last monday.. we back like normal.. eat dinner with grandma... grandma & my aunt both
also stomache.. till when after dinner.. ussually we got play mahjung.. but that day dint play.. den in room got lou tao and grandma & mummy only...grandma ask .. about my gu jie thingy... den.. that time.. really in bad mood de.. so i sit outside.. holding my drawing book... wanna draw things but dun really wan too.. den ..till i listen mummy like shouting behind.. seems like with grandma.. haiz... only that i heard ''why you'll like this'' bla bla bla... den only know mum rushing out ...haiz.. den said back... when in car.. she said..grandma they'll all same... see ppl got money... and keep help the daughter only... haiz.... fuck it.. la...

TUESDAY...
another morning.. another fucking day... which is.. she tell whole wide world that gu jie do such things.. really hate it.. to listen too.. i'm not sure who's wrong... i dun care... who the fuck is wrong not my problem... i hate to be in your middle person of you both...


WEDNESDAY..
days.. getting more bored and alone.. cause.. my gu jie not here.. mummy busy.. alone in the office... feel so empty.. just like inside of the cage... cant go anywhere... missing those days with gu jie...we use to laugh and chat all the time..

THURSDAY..
day by day .. passing by... just like normal.. bored... and thinking what my mum thinking.. afternoon... got supplier came... till night... haiz...so cruel de mum... really dun really like when she say bad things about gu jie.. said gu jie betral her... wan thhe man over her... where by gu jie also dint do this kind of stuff also... haiz.. i dunno... really making me sick of it...

FRIDAY..
like normal... alone in office...till lunch me pui gu jie eat lunch... as.. gu jie pack her few stuff... really.. sad.. seeing her packing up the stuff... really sad.. feels like wanna cry .. but.. neway... i tried to hold up my tears by not crying in front of her... still laughing & chatting like normal... but... till night.. really so sad i cried alone ... too much things in my mind.. really feels so sorry to them... really feel so guilty.. that mum did that.. even gu jie got say to me that... grandma worried that on monday we wont going back for dinner.... haiz... really feel so sorry to grandma...on that day.. had dinnerr at yoelde... first time have this moment.... wanna buy ticket... unfortunetely... cant... too late full de...

SATURDAY..
nothing happen much... just a day where i suppose to have... enjoy what can i enjoy on that day... but seems like nothin gto do the day... cause.. i fetch bro and my bebe out together... went to cc.. since no more mmovie ticket...den at 4sum.. mum ask us to go back... haiz...back to cook...eat dinneer like normal day... nothing special.. just at night she got ask me.. what my gu jie said and did... i said nothing much.. pack things de...like that only...den went to my room start drawing...

SUNDAY...
woke up early ...eat breakfast ... den went to parede... play bowling... yea.. really long time... dint have this kind of family feels de... i really loves this moment...but... seems like i like more than that... which is one big family..at afternoon...i remember mummy said... you see your grandpa.. work jor so long .. now retired jor... only got100k sum.. see me.. me simply do one business also more than that la... den said wo... she that they'll stupid... thoose gopeng family... really so heartache when listen to it... haiz... she said... since all also wanna help the betralyal... own daughter.. okay find... den dun wan your son lo... your in-law... and your grandchild lo.. since you wan help her so much... damn it... haiz... really damn frustrated... listen this shit.. i really cant stand all this de.. accually she have no right to say all this fucking shit.. cause she own also like that.. still with the fucking man... I HATE IT SO MUCH... HIDING OWN FEELL... AND BEING SO SAM YUIN... TO LISTEN HER.. AND HATE MYSELF... because she said... we're family right? you'll support and stand my side right? haiz... STUPID ME...

*i'm sorry to all ppl who advise me ..

haiz.. really gomen gomen who advise and comfort me all the way.. just really frust for all this de.. too tired of have this burden.. yet till now too.. really sorry made you'll worry ... haiz.. just she (as witch) really making a lots of stuff making me i rally hate to do it... really sorry to my dear and my bebe le..


* TO my bebe,
.. i know you worried me very much err.. really sorry... you need fan my stuff.. but just that something i cant really can do lo.. i just wan .. on saturday.. each saturday can go gai gai go enjoy jau can jor.. no need think others stuff de.. muakxXx

*To my dear,

you'll can pui me jor den okie de.. very syok jor.. making me happy .. hehe.. most like is when we go gai gai and play jek.. lolx... jokes and see you'll argue-ing for some stuff very funny de lo.. lolx... hehe.. but anyway i try to become strong back le...gomen err.. muakxxXxX

*seems like things back darker

haiz.. seems like all back to past.. quarrel den faint.. now act back to tam me back..just now dinner really haiz.. hate it.. talk to me and tam me back to work.. haiz.. louu tao give eye signal.. say dun argue with her.. damn it de la.. haiz.. fan sei.. den talk me that wan me wear formal..told me,.. she buy the 400buck bag for me so that i look dai tai dit... den look like boss de daughter.. den say wo.. i always wear like lala gal.. dam it.. haiz..i just wear one tee and BG pants jek ma.. like lala wo.. haiz.. damn it de la.. i look so luxurious for what la.. also human la.. den she said.. she wan me to compare with one new clerk wo.. see who better den open new showroom wo.. damn it.. haiz. . very fan.. i hate i.t.. now force to continue with the career.. haiz.. guess.. making it more worst ... felt so useless i cant defend for myself cause i scare i did the wrong thing that hurt her.. or might be fallen in her trick..haiz.. very tired of all this.. thinking how to lose all this tense.. felt my body no energy left... haiz...what should i do... should i continue obey her and hide all the pain and sadness or defend for myself and she her faint in front of me...so useless de me..