morning hell..

gees... morning... really damn freaking bad mood... cause out of sudden mum and him quarrel... quarrel till mum almost jump out from car... gees... kinda heartache... seeing them like that.. so tense... if continue like this i'm really gonna runaway from home... gees... really so sad in morning... no ... should say i have already sad for few month or few years... but anyway.. lucky my boy made me happy...he won 300 adidas bag... hehe.. very geng... haha... atleast he win i happy... and he realize one thing in his life... and both of them already okay... but only notice... she and him quarrel is because of three of us... haiz.. dunno wanna say is good or bad... good is someone und about it... bad is i always get scolded & insulted... anyway... kinda settle... i'm going to KL next month help my father ... work as chef.. for 2month... and come back on oct... help my mum.. and nov take exam... at least i leave this home... and try to explore and gain more experience...see ba... hopefully can work out something and pay out something... blog next time... need off... before my mum came back...

i"m sick of it... haiz...

.... really dunno what's in his mind.... what the hell... i was suppose to make few dishes... haiz... just for the father day celebration... haiz... in out of sudden ... everything turn badly.... haiz.... really so disappointed... haiz... i made shark fin,mixed pork,raped vege,and sotong kangkung... and few more dishes... but out of sudden not only i not enough time and i also get humiliation... what said the soup was RUBBISH!!1 WHAT RUBBISH YOU COOK? what the hell... how hurt is that? den b4 that i took 1 & half hours to make it... he said i took 3hours... what the F*ck la... haiz... cause me when back office at 4sum reach jj also almost 5 la... den shop and buy things need re read the recipe.. also need time la... ppl suppose to plan on tomorrow mum suddenly wan me make it today... everything too rush... and i haven really actually plan... what the hell him... haiz... reach home about 6sum... prepare food and cut things b4 7 de... den said i cook at kitchen took 3hours... haiz... even mum also think i like that... and she also said mee so careless and no planning... what the hell ...not even thx or what ... i dun wish him to say thx to me... just hope he like it...but... ends up... he not... he keep insult about my food... i prepare shark fin and sotong... ivan prepare fried pork and pandan chicken... nelson help me raped the vege... all also i taste de... i prepare taste de... my bro make de nice and doesn't complain much... only me... COOK THAT RUBBISH SOUP!!! F*CK HIM !!! I HATE EVERYONE HERE... HOW LONG DO YOU WAN ME TO STAND ALL THIS SHIT... I HATE IT ALL.... !!! haiz... what i do also wrong... keep complain about me... even today... very damn shit de... what the hell...he ask bro weather today got watch movie not.. bro said no... den lou tao said ''you only know pak to with him de la... your tortoise also no heart de.. if got jau early go buy la.. no money izzit dun wan buy for bro izzit... i pay la'' den i said back la..'' it's not the money matter... it's already fully book sumor it's new movie.. and normally also paid de la.. since when they'll watch movie pay money...''' den he keep quiet''... haiz... really dunno what's in his mind... like keep wan me to break with him like that... i dunno what the shit he thinks... he lose money he keep scold me... haiz... den who shall i find? and talk? why all like keep bullying me... why at this home like no one cares me...i hate staying at here... make me more useless and sadness... feel like gonna insane de... haiz... felt so lonely at this home...

Released....sad case...of MJ

....geess.... really d*mn *ucking tired... whole night dint sleep ma... thx to the thunder... what the helll freaks me out.... what la... so sakai de ... teng.... kinda afraid to sleep alone... what la..plus now me getting sick sick dei... hard to concentrate... gees.... what la.... dunno how to stand it man.... what la... all i know... I'm really da*m tired.... *yawn* what la... now at office really sianz... but anyway...just finish my test.... kinda released....although i keep humiliate by some ppl... but... anyway... gotta face it... what to do... after work here i might go KL de... too tense at here....but depends ba... hope i can... do what i wanna do... gees... morning... what a sad case... MJ(micheal jackson) dead in morning at 4am morning...gees... sad to hear it.... like his few songs... etc: 'You're not alone'... gees.. sad man... dunno wanna write what sumor... neck pain... back pain... stomache... D*nm it...

who i'm i to them?

haiz.... yestersday night really suffer a lots.... haiz...what can i say about this time... haiz... yesterday nite we play mahjung.. and i lose till almost 40sum... but that doesn't really matter... when i play i always keep get scolded... keep get the blame... haiz... i got one time i accidenlly fall the thing on table mum said my heart not in it... simply play and i get scolded... haiz... lou tao said me tis and that... haiz... really dunno what the hell they'll wan... haiz... den mum even compare to my bro said that you bro might be much more better than you if he learn... accually i dun use to gamble de...haiz... what can i do... try to make them happy ... but... haiz... really sad case.... this few day really dunno what's in their mind...i din do wrong also get scold i do wrong more worst.. haiz... me is like the bean bag to them like that... haiz... what can i said... I REALLY SICK OF THIS KIND OF LIFE DE!!!! why i had to suffer all this kind of things.... even at night i cried alone... i just one find him to talk with... but... haiz... he asleep.... haiz... TOO MUCH PAIN I HAD AREADY!!!! I'M NOT THE BEAN BAG FOR YOU'LL TO PUNCH OR SCOLD!!! I REALLY HAD ENOUGH FOR ALL THIS... WHY SHOULD I? WHY ME... NOW EVN WROST THAT I REALLY LIKE WHAT I DID ALSO WRONG... I DO GOOD THINGS FOR THEM AND THEY DINT REALLY LIKE IT.. HAIZ... LIKE MORE WOSRT ... I AREADY TRY TO BE GOOD GIRL AND TRY TO ME TOUGH... BUT I CANT... WHAT I DID ARE ALWAYS WRONG... ALL OF THEM IS RIGHT... EVEN I ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION ALSO GET SCOLDED... WHAT THE HECK WITH ALL THIS.. JESUS CHRIST... HAIZ.... why me.... yesterday nite i do think of drink beers or anything to realease it... really tired of this kind of things aready... haiz.... just wan someone to let me realease all this things... so damn fucking suffer to walk this thing alone... as i said i'm longer in this family anymore... lou tao got nelson... mummy got ivan... and i? belong to no one....just alone hiding at the side... and cried alone in the room... no one cares like last time... no one knew what i had suffer... no onw knew that i had so much stress... i tried to forget it... but they'll keep make me to remember it... loss memories... haiz... really had so much pain...since i was young.... soon gonna have my retest... haiz.... always said i'll fail this and that... haiz... lazyy to bother.... and i notice something recently lou tao keep said you and him break up de la... this and that really hurts me a lots... if i break off again... all i can say is i'm become so LONELY AGAIN!!!

felt so lonely and left out

really dunno why suddenly got this kind of feel... really too frust for everything aready.... whatever it happen let it be... life is like a game... once you cant handle it... you lose and being left out... family to me is nothing aready... each time at home also keep quiet... think i'm no longer like last time aready... in love life... aready like gonna broken into few pieces... dunno why... out of sudden i cant even feel the love that i had it last time... i know i give him a lots of pressure... but sometimes i do wan to let it go... maybe he could put more effort in it... haiz... like last time i get higher marks... he also upset... cause he cant think... maybe i think i give a lots of pressure to him.. sometimes i did think that...if i really leave him will he prove to me that he could? sometimes i really dun get und of him... dunno why...haiz... recently easy get quarrel and sad... i'm sorry... friends to me now is like water... it comes and go ... when they need help they'll find ... when they don't... they'll dun even wanna find you or anything... haiz... really din't know what's going on me recently... always felt so lonely... haiz.. who i'm i? last time i use to be make ppl happy and did smile a lots... but now... just sit at side and hard to face things... and less talk...use to be with a lots of friends last time.. but now... gotta face it alone... each time at office alone sometimes really do freak me out... cause i use to be alone at here... haiz... my life is like getting to lonelyness world again...haiz... just wan someone that can help me pass it.. haiz...i dun wan to hurt anyone aready... i had enough ... haiz...

still thinking in progress

....erm... reallyy dunno what i wanna talk now... cause there's a lots of things still in mind now... gees... reallly hard man.. to decide the things... but anyway.. my dear left.. cause she going for her national service.. out of sudden i also miss it badly.. the moment at there really nice... really enjoy... and a lots of of *bitch too... haiz... what to do... what la... in camp that moment really enjoy.. really likes it.. it's like heaven.. no worries... and thinks... although is sufferingbut atleast i did enjoy at there... hehe... miss it a lots man... but too bad one of my friends accidently deleted the video.. that i play with M-16.. gess.. that was the most fun... hehe..but anyway ... kinda fun miss all the moment...haiz... wish i can go back there... at here really a lots of things to think about it... and so frustrated for everythings de... haiz.... till now i also dunno decide who yet... aih... KL or IPOH... shit la... haiz... fan sei yan... i still dun dare to speak out...i wan go back NS err...

haiz... another moody day i guess...

yesterday celebrate my belated b'day and dear's going to NS soon... reallly gonna miss her...and yesterday we had our dinner at sushi king... and watch movie at night... "Drag me to hell" gess... that freaking movie kinda scares me a lots man... what the heck ... till my neck pain ... what the heck/....what la... that time at night ... i was driving alone... kinda scare... cause i'm alone.. but really dunno y when i was driving that time really scares me.. freak me... hehe... but anyway... i reach home safely... in the morning i wake... gees.. neck still pain... really kinda lazy... cause going to work... afternoon i meet my boy... and bought a guitar and tuner... cost around 200sum.. but... dunno why i can feel that his eyes like red red... dunno wheather my clothing or money... haiz... really kinda hurts me ... dunno why...haiz... i know his care me... but... really dunno why i'm the one who is sad... on saturday... i really wanna find someone to talk too... cause i that time i had a lots in my mind... accually on that day i waited him till 2sum am... haiz... he reply me once that time aready 1 sum.. i dint notice the phone cause i was doing somethinf else... but... really dunno why... each time i need him... mostly he not with me... kinda makes me more sad ... but sometimes... i do feel happy when i'm with him... only depends... haiz... really kinda a lots in my mind now... almost each night i cried... but i also dunno cry for what ... really... hate myself...i dunno...haiz... hiaz... out of sudden lou tao said me and him might be broke up... i really duno why... but that word kinda freaks me a lots... haiz... makes me sometimes really wanna feel alone... reallyy afraid of it... haiz... all also going de... nothing has left... one of my friend said i had change a lots... where i aready change to more emo and cool... and doesn't know the value of a friends... haiz... maybe i do hurts a lots ppl i guess.. that's why make me feel so lonely i guess... i dunno... who knows... alone in the room... looking to 4walls... really... haiz... make me more scare and letting me down... last time i use to be very tough.. but once i'm getting older i dun think i can be so tough anymore... it's like getting more weak and weak... dunno why...did i really change?

either one of this... haiz...

haiz... went to penang.. on thursday... gees... quite bored accually... but... haiz... now only know what my dad wanna tell me... he said it's about work... he gonna open one shop... and wants me to help him... the shop will be open on august.. but... haiz... too fan to think bout it... i only choose either KL or ipoh... ipoh i got my own business.. but haven register... KL is learn basic... and help dad... haiz... salary will be higher.... but... haiz... i also dunno... dad ask me to tell mum to let me go/.... and wanna me to help... said i'm big enuf to have my way and road... but... haiz... i also dunno how... daddy wan me continuee study,,,, mum not really... haiz..really tired of it... haiz... both also my parents.. really hard to face it.. i scare they might be quarrel only.. haiz...

haiz... what la... so sianz... what the hell... really dunno what happen.... why out of sudden really feel so moody... till... almost get bang by car... haiz... what la... reach home also get scold..haiz... really dunno what happen.. dunno why today so sad... and moody..haiz...

that's me...

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve

what can i say about today? haiz.. really dunno why felt llike so left out... dunno why... suddenlly heartpain although he hold my hand... haiz.. really wonder why... really dunno why kinda heartache.. haiz.. today really not really good in mood.. nvr even smile loudly or what ... haiz... another bad day.. really... haiz...

had a BAD DAY!!!!!

What a unlucky day...morning jau car spoil... later reach office nag from father... cause need repair car.. gonna cost few hundred bucks... haiz... really disaster... i was suppose go tuition.. haiz... lao tao keep nag and nag... till i cant stand anymore... reaally what the hell... haiz... DAMN FUCKING NO MOOD!!!!! my god.. haiz.. just now... ppl wan take a bath... but out of sudden the iron board fell and ends up my hand had another scar.. gees ... really pain man... what the hell ggoing on today.. really sucks man!!!!

still wonder...

today.. em.. nothing to say much... like normal day... wake... and go for tuition... haiz... tuition that time really tired,,,... and just wonder why he was so sad.... haiz... i know the question was kinda hard .... but dunno why he still so sad like that... out of sudden he moody walk off... haiz... really sad and hurts...haiz.. dunno le... i also hurs and worried about you la... wonder you got study or anything not... wonder if i'm the burden for you... haiz... really so sad leh... anything if you wan success you must gain de la... haiz... just sometimes you den make it out... i really dunno what you thinking about... haiz... i always ask wonder can you make it happy.. but each time you sad i tried... haiz... really dunno how to say.. wonder do you know what i still thinking not...or un about me

another sad day...

haiz.... on saturday...morning wake like normal day... go for a breakfast ... come back and continue cook... for my boy mother .... cook chicken curry... gees.. for the first time of my life... i cook i was so damn sucxx... normally i cook it was so perfect but dunno why .. haiz... too sad to cook it.. friday night ... mum ask me wonder wan buy wattch not.. den i said i dun wan ... den keep wak me choose fine i choose den she said and ask me use my own ... den i said i dun wan lo... cause i wanna keep my money for my own education and others usage... gees... i wass 178buck... for one watch... better not to have it lu...den i keep quiet... den she said i angry... and giving those kind of face... haiz... if i keep argue with her sure many things happen but if i keep quiet less things happen... scold till saturday also the same thhing... that's why i cook so suxx.. even mum ask me to throw in the dustbin... haiz... what the heck... haiz... hurts me a lots... after i sent things to the house... we'll went to club... and i accidently step on ivan fishing rod... haiz... damn piss off... really felt like so left out on that day/...haiz... so lonely at home... too much pain i had...

finally/....

last friday...another 1hours before end of my work on that day... me and him were chatting like normal friends... although we on the web cam.. i dint feel hurts or sad anymore... guess i aready take him as my friend and let it go.. i think... anyways felt so happy ... cause i knew i like the one is who aready... the one who is always concern about me.. and taking care to me...

another sad day

yesterday night play mahjung again... lost few RM... keep scolded by mum... haiz... yesterday night make me felt like left out... dunno why... at night hide in the blanky.. tears start falling... out of sudden can feel the pain... just wish.. how good if ppl come and hug me... but... i know i still need to wait... gees... really wan ppl hug and lend me a shoulder to me.... reallly so tense... recently really dunno y i always cry... really too much pain i had de.... haiz.... worry my study... and works.... haiz... why life really so hard... haiz... i tried to face it... but it's really hard to do it...

haiz... today.. out of sudden he msn me... and at the same time... heart little pain.. i wonder did i stilll cant let him go... but i think ... i'm still trying... later on... i had my lunch.. but... really no appetite... haiz... dunno y...and out of sudden dunno y i wrote thing on his blog... and he told me the blog is not for put feelings... accually even myself dunno y i write on it.. thinks of so many things... haiz... even my bebe.. haiz...when he msn me... he said.. i have change a lots.. not the one who i 'm last time i know... haiz..... dunno y i reply him...last time is aready dead...not anymore like last time... and i ask my boy... i'm i change a lots.. he also reply me... yea i did change a lots... haiz.... acually i dint know y i turn to like this... makes me felt like left out... and sometimes i felt that i was so lonely.... haiz.. dunno y i scare to hurt the ppl i like aready... sometimes i do feel that i wanna 別れるwith him... not that say he not good enough... just.... i scare i hurt him... i dun wan let him hurt and see him sad...haizz.... depends how ba...

心臓ブレーカ

what i can say about now... recently.... too much to tense off.. everything had been control by my Mum... my career and future it's all decide aready... too my much pain i had aready... all diffrent kind feels i had it aready... still wonder why always like that.....why i hadn't a choice to choose... why others ppl can have the feel of family... but why i cant feel anything at all... i always sit alone at home... speachless... to talk... now aready 18... makes me feel like 8 .... always being control... haiz... why? too much pain i had... this few weeks really dunno why... every night hide in my blanky and out of sudden my tears started to fall... i wish i could lost my memories... alll.... at once...how good is that if really happen....