morning hell..

gees... morning... really damn freaking bad mood... cause out of sudden mum and him quarrel... quarrel till mum almost jump out from car... gees... kinda heartache... seeing them like that.. so tense... if continue like this i'm really gonna runaway from home... gees... really so sad in morning... no ... should say i have already sad for few month or few years... but anyway.. lucky my boy made me happy...he won 300 adidas bag... hehe.. very geng... haha... atleast he win i happy... and he realize one thing in his life... and both of them already okay... but only notice... she and him quarrel is because of three of us... haiz.. dunno wanna say is good or bad... good is someone und about it... bad is i always get scolded & insulted... anyway... kinda settle... i'm going to KL next month help my father ... work as chef.. for 2month... and come back on oct... help my mum.. and nov take exam... at least i leave this home... and try to explore and gain more experience...see ba... hopefully can work out something and pay out something... blog next time... need off... before my mum came back...

i"m sick of it... haiz...

.... really dunno what's in his mind.... what the hell... i was suppose to make few dishes... haiz... just for the father day celebration... haiz... in out of sudden ... everything turn badly.... haiz.... really so disappointed... haiz... i made shark fin,mixed pork,raped vege,and sotong kangkung... and few more dishes... but out of sudden not only i not enough time and i also get humiliation... what said the soup was RUBBISH!!1 WHAT RUBBISH YOU COOK? what the hell... how hurt is that? den b4 that i took 1 & half hours to make it... he said i took 3hours... what the F*ck la... haiz... cause me when back office at 4sum reach jj also almost 5 la... den shop and buy things need re read the recipe.. also need time la... ppl suppose to plan on tomorrow mum suddenly wan me make it today... everything too rush... and i haven really actually plan... what the hell him... haiz... reach home about 6sum... prepare food and cut things b4 7 de... den said i cook at kitchen took 3hours... haiz... even mum also think i like that... and she also said mee so careless and no planning... what the hell ...not even thx or what ... i dun wish him to say thx to me... just hope he like it...but... ends up... he not... he keep insult about my food... i prepare shark fin and sotong... ivan prepare fried pork and pandan chicken... nelson help me raped the vege... all also i taste de... i prepare taste de... my bro make de nice and doesn't complain much... only me... COOK THAT RUBBISH SOUP!!! F*CK HIM !!! I HATE EVERYONE HERE... HOW LONG DO YOU WAN ME TO STAND ALL THIS SHIT... I HATE IT ALL.... !!! haiz... what i do also wrong... keep complain about me... even today... very damn shit de... what the hell...he ask bro weather today got watch movie not.. bro said no... den lou tao said ''you only know pak to with him de la... your tortoise also no heart de.. if got jau early go buy la.. no money izzit dun wan buy for bro izzit... i pay la'' den i said back la..'' it's not the money matter... it's already fully book sumor it's new movie.. and normally also paid de la.. since when they'll watch movie pay money...''' den he keep quiet''... haiz... really dunno what's in his mind... like keep wan me to break with him like that... i dunno what the shit he thinks... he lose money he keep scold me... haiz... den who shall i find? and talk? why all like keep bullying me... why at this home like no one cares me...i hate staying at here... make me more useless and sadness... feel like gonna insane de... haiz... felt so lonely at this home...

Released....sad case...of MJ

....geess.... really d*mn *ucking tired... whole night dint sleep ma... thx to the thunder... what the helll freaks me out.... what la... so sakai de ... teng.... kinda afraid to sleep alone... what la..plus now me getting sick sick dei... hard to concentrate... gees.... what la.... dunno how to stand it man.... what la... all i know... I'm really da*m tired.... *yawn* what la... now at office really sianz... but anyway...just finish my test.... kinda released....although i keep humiliate by some ppl... but... anyway... gotta face it... what to do... after work here i might go KL de... too tense at here....but depends ba... hope i can... do what i wanna do... gees... morning... what a sad case... MJ(micheal jackson) dead in morning at 4am morning...gees... sad to hear it.... like his few songs... etc: 'You're not alone'... gees.. sad man... dunno wanna write what sumor... neck pain... back pain... stomache... D*nm it...

who i'm i to them?

haiz.... yestersday night really suffer a lots.... haiz...what can i say about this time... haiz... yesterday nite we play mahjung.. and i lose till almost 40sum... but that doesn't really matter... when i play i always keep get scolded... keep get the blame... haiz... i got one time i accidenlly fall the thing on table mum said my heart not in it... simply play and i get scolded... haiz... lou tao said me tis and that... haiz... really dunno what the hell they'll wan... haiz... den mum even compare to my bro said that you bro might be much more better than you if he learn... accually i dun use to gamble de...haiz... what can i do... try to make them happy ... but... haiz... really sad case.... this few day really dunno what's in their mind...i din do wrong also get scold i do wrong more worst.. haiz... me is like the bean bag to them like that... haiz... what can i said... I REALLY SICK OF THIS KIND OF LIFE DE!!!! why i had to suffer all this kind of things.... even at night i cried alone... i just one find him to talk with... but... haiz... he asleep.... haiz... TOO MUCH PAIN I HAD AREADY!!!! I'M NOT THE BEAN BAG FOR YOU'LL TO PUNCH OR SCOLD!!! I REALLY HAD ENOUGH FOR ALL THIS... WHY SHOULD I? WHY ME... NOW EVN WROST THAT I REALLY LIKE WHAT I DID ALSO WRONG... I DO GOOD THINGS FOR THEM AND THEY DINT REALLY LIKE IT.. HAIZ... LIKE MORE WOSRT ... I AREADY TRY TO BE GOOD GIRL AND TRY TO ME TOUGH... BUT I CANT... WHAT I DID ARE ALWAYS WRONG... ALL OF THEM IS RIGHT... EVEN I ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION ALSO GET SCOLDED... WHAT THE HECK WITH ALL THIS.. JESUS CHRIST... HAIZ.... why me.... yesterday nite i do think of drink beers or anything to realease it... really tired of this kind of things aready... haiz.... just wan someone to let me realease all this things... so damn fucking suffer to walk this thing alone... as i said i'm longer in this family anymore... lou tao got nelson... mummy got ivan... and i? belong to no one....just alone hiding at the side... and cried alone in the room... no one cares like last time... no one knew what i had suffer... no onw knew that i had so much stress... i tried to forget it... but they'll keep make me to remember it... loss memories... haiz... really had so much pain...since i was young.... soon gonna have my retest... haiz.... always said i'll fail this and that... haiz... lazyy to bother.... and i notice something recently lou tao keep said you and him break up de la... this and that really hurts me a lots... if i break off again... all i can say is i'm become so LONELY AGAIN!!!

felt so lonely and left out

really dunno why suddenly got this kind of feel... really too frust for everything aready.... whatever it happen let it be... life is like a game... once you cant handle it... you lose and being left out... family to me is nothing aready... each time at home also keep quiet... think i'm no longer like last time aready... in love life... aready like gonna broken into few pieces... dunno why... out of sudden i cant even feel the love that i had it last time... i know i give him a lots of pressure... but sometimes i do wan to let it go... maybe he could put more effort in it... haiz... like last time i get higher marks... he also upset... cause he cant think... maybe i think i give a lots of pressure to him.. sometimes i did think that...if i really leave him will he prove to me that he could? sometimes i really dun get und of him... dunno why...haiz... recently easy get quarrel and sad... i'm sorry... friends to me now is like water... it comes and go ... when they need help they'll find ... when they don't... they'll dun even wanna find you or anything... haiz... really din't know what's going on me recently... always felt so lonely... haiz.. who i'm i? last time i use to be make ppl happy and did smile a lots... but now... just sit at side and hard to face things... and less talk...use to be with a lots of friends last time.. but now... gotta face it alone... each time at office alone sometimes really do freak me out... cause i use to be alone at here... haiz... my life is like getting to lonelyness world again...haiz... just wan someone that can help me pass it.. haiz...i dun wan to hurt anyone aready... i had enough ... haiz...

still thinking in progress

....erm... reallyy dunno what i wanna talk now... cause there's a lots of things still in mind now... gees... reallly hard man.. to decide the things... but anyway.. my dear left.. cause she going for her national service.. out of sudden i also miss it badly.. the moment at there really nice... really enjoy... and a lots of of *bitch too... haiz... what to do... what la... in camp that moment really enjoy.. really likes it.. it's like heaven.. no worries... and thinks... although is sufferingbut atleast i did enjoy at there... hehe... miss it a lots man... but too bad one of my friends accidently deleted the video.. that i play with M-16.. gess.. that was the most fun... hehe..but anyway ... kinda fun miss all the moment...haiz... wish i can go back there... at here really a lots of things to think about it... and so frustrated for everythings de... haiz.... till now i also dunno decide who yet... aih... KL or IPOH... shit la... haiz... fan sei yan... i still dun dare to speak out...i wan go back NS err...

haiz... another moody day i guess...

yesterday celebrate my belated b'day and dear's going to NS soon... reallly gonna miss her...and yesterday we had our dinner at sushi king... and watch movie at night... "Drag me to hell" gess... that freaking movie kinda scares me a lots man... what the heck ... till my neck pain ... what the heck/....what la... that time at night ... i was driving alone... kinda scare... cause i'm alone.. but really dunno y when i was driving that time really scares me.. freak me... hehe... but anyway... i reach home safely... in the morning i wake... gees.. neck still pain... really kinda lazy... cause going to work... afternoon i meet my boy... and bought a guitar and tuner... cost around 200sum.. but... dunno why i can feel that his eyes like red red... dunno wheather my clothing or money... haiz... really kinda hurts me ... dunno why...haiz... i know his care me... but... really dunno why i'm the one who is sad... on saturday... i really wanna find someone to talk too... cause i that time i had a lots in my mind... accually on that day i waited him till 2sum am... haiz... he reply me once that time aready 1 sum.. i dint notice the phone cause i was doing somethinf else... but... really dunno why... each time i need him... mostly he not with me... kinda makes me more sad ... but sometimes... i do feel happy when i'm with him... only depends... haiz... really kinda a lots in my mind now... almost each night i cried... but i also dunno cry for what ... really... hate myself...i dunno...haiz... hiaz... out of sudden lou tao said me and him might be broke up... i really duno why... but that word kinda freaks me a lots... haiz... makes me sometimes really wanna feel alone... reallyy afraid of it... haiz... all also going de... nothing has left... one of my friend said i had change a lots... where i aready change to more emo and cool... and doesn't know the value of a friends... haiz... maybe i do hurts a lots ppl i guess.. that's why make me feel so lonely i guess... i dunno... who knows... alone in the room... looking to 4walls... really... haiz... make me more scare and letting me down... last time i use to be very tough.. but once i'm getting older i dun think i can be so tough anymore... it's like getting more weak and weak... dunno why...did i really change?