happy sad early birthday ...

haiz... kinda mix feeling right now.. happie cause someone planning for my b'day .. my dear and bebe... haiz.. sad because i need ask for myself.. just wonder.. how could it be.. if you straight me a suprise to me.. you plan everything .. you do everything.. accually that wan what i was wishing for for so long time ago.. haiz.. sometimes i do notice that things not going to be what you wan it to be.. felt really so sucks.. right now..

BEBE

you keep say always you ask you ask... ends up.. also i as de la.. recently.. you think back and refresh .. haiz.. you say you wan make suprise yea i do feel happy de.. haiz.. but.. each time you keep on asking me to ask .. and you keep on like pushing to me.. you think i like it ma??? haiz.. i know my parents ... you ask sure they'll wont talk much ... but.. i guess you dunno what happen just now.. haiz.. sometimes i really wish that you do everything and dun let me frust or thing of anything.. you decide it... but.. when i ask you do ... did you??? haiz... you said you not enough money .. i already try not to use it.. and ask from you.. you said... i talk with my ex.. i tell you now... i already less talk with him.. even i talk also just a normal chat only.... haiz.. when only you believe and understand how would i feel??? sometimes i really dunno how you feel and your atitude,, just ... keep on change... haiz.... dunno le.. i'm really happy to be with you.. some of the certain time.. i love to see when you laugh .. when you smile.. when you sad or mad .. really making me so damn piss you know that?? did you notice that...???? haiz,,. whne can you learn to know more things and understand me??? i'm tired.. yesterday i cry just right beside you do you know ma//////????? did you really understand and ask me what happen to me this and that??? haiz.. guess.. you know yourself.. but i guess you also wont be looking at this bloggy then.. when i cant find some one to speak and deppressed here.. this my diary ... i told you for an ages. guess.. you wont look at it le.. to understand more about me..

LIFE IN COLLEGE

yup.. been selected as leader.. gees.. really freaking stress.. making me like a jerk man.. sorry guys.. i'm not a good leader which i cant lead you'll i know.. and i'm sorry to waste you'll time and making you'll down.. but .. sometimes really hard to make you'll to be gather.. soon the one that always ponteng... oh jin jie.. leg injure .. cant walk much... betty .. the only one that busy.. and work.. haiz.. cant say much .. yea she do a lots of jobs.. but.. en.. dunno why sometimes can feel that she's talking bad about me.. for wasting much time,.. and management.. gees.. felt like a little girl .. dunno le.. really damn stress man... haiz.. how do i need to gain they'll to get back hyper le.. haiz.,. useless de me.. sorry lle.. follow this noob and weak de leader...

LIFE AT HOME

day by day .. home cook .. mum always break those fucking promises.. always say no money this and that ,... now i already understand what my daddy say to me .. now i really understand a lots.. haiz.. just now.. haiz.. today .. i just ask a permissiong and tell them that i wanna go for a trip next week for 2days.. one word jau say.. from lou tao.. you no need study meh., you study and no study also no different de la.. haiz. say i "tuk si pian " den said this and that ... den i said that day is my b'day .. they'll already plan for me de... not to say that sin jam hou jau.. i wanna told them.. i haven book.. .den when i wanna explain,.. lou tao and mummy jau say .. okay stop.. i dun wan listen any explanation from you.. bla bla bla.. you study and no study also waste of money only.. haiz.. dunno le.. anything.. den mummy said b'day so big meh.. bla bla bla.. den i say yea la.. how.. haiz.. i got my own decision to go for a trip also cant???? c'mon already 20... why not?? and .. den mummy said .. arent you suppose to give a priority to family 1st.. in my heart is.. why cant you give me decide ,.. and you let me go aren't that makes me more happy and a present.. i dun need any present from you both .. i dun need you'll to remember my b'day i just need to go for a trip that's it.. mum already broke promise that i cant get a camera.. and now the advance.. you think i so happie when i go to school .. in fear.. cause the headmaster keep on ask about my fees how.. and the admin keep ask me how.. haiz.. felt like i'm the one who owe money.. really makes me feel so badly.. den.. sumor lou tao one word jau say.. " huh.. i also dunno your birthday is when and i dun wanna know...just forget it forget it" gees.. that was a huge .. that making me damn freaking sad and hurts so badly .. haiz. felt so stupid that i'm still at here in this freaking damn house.. i think sooner ... things going back like last time.. where i turn to emo and moody .. dun care.. or maybe i turn to another person.. who know's that time just now.. i really wanna run from the house .. just too much pain that i keep on staying in this freaking damn house..

sadness

haiz.. really kinda weird mood right now.. really dunno what to do ... dunno do what wrong... haiz.. sad.. you said you today go pasar malam.. den jau .. nevermind ba.. tot you wan relax.. den i keep quiet.. haiz.. when back dunno why you like this,.. turn like so mad.. haiz.. ask you .. you jau said tired.. haiz.. me also stress and tired... atleast i still jokes.. and stuff.. haiz.. you?? even after dinner.. you like no ask no nothing.. wish you ask me some.. haiz.. dunno le.. eat so much chili.. that's why i vomit.. even i vomit,.. you only ask me .. okay anot .. den no mood.. haiz.. dunno.. take table give you do things..haiz.. you jau use small table.. dunno you... anything ba.. you jau mad.. those fucking face.. haiz.. how i wanna stand.. ask you thing ... wan help you not.. you jau no word... I'M SO PISS AND SOOO TIRED!!!!!!! really when i need you... you . haiz.. speechless.. even now you infront of me.. me and you .. just a friend those kind... haiz... guess.. you and me .. relationship.. no longer like last time..anything.... just tired... haiz..

i'm getting so tired

really need someone right now... haiz.. when i need you where you ??? haiz.. every night i'm hiding under the blanky crying do you know ma??? i'm sad and stress do you know?? when i get stress and you knew about it why you dun wan help me to release le? haiz.. why le????? sometimes i do feel kinda lonely ... felt sometimes i do feel like i'm single.. really .. dunno how to say le... i wan you make me happy also hard le... not make me more stress and keep on quarrel with you ar.. i dun wan this kind of life.. just.. haiz...

when you cant finish your homework... i put my things away and help you .. you did promise last time that you'll finish it.. so that you wont disturb me... haiz... dunno le... sometimes i really do envy others ppl.... really.. haiz.. dunno le.. cant we just sweet like last time.. i think you and me getting like so awkward.. and always quarrel.. maybe.. haiz.. dunno le.. cant barely smile this few days.. dunno how to say..

at home.. mum owe a lots of debt .. haiz.. aunty diana sms ask about cash... college jackie ask about cash.. haiz.. car need repair.. just i . i'm tired de.. i really cant handle this pressure... dunno how.. haiz... mum turn another person.. lou tao come home keep on nagging .. whatever i do the things also get scolded.. haiz..

in college.. only the assignment .. really dunno how to handle it my ownself.. unlike you .. i can help you.. sometimes.. i do feel so tired,........ now recently help you do your thing i cant barely do my own stuff.. i help you i hope you change .. do homework early.. you said you lost your file and sutff.. you know last time me too .. i lost my own file .. i find my self i do it ... my ownself .. no like you ask ppl jau can .. haiz... nothing ba.. you got into this also my fault..

frustration...

what can i say now... recently kinda a lots of things happen.. haiz.. mum seems like getting avoiding us.. i heard from my colleague said that .. she was planning to stay out from the house for few days.. and stuff.. beside that.. really totally speechless le.. really too much pain in the house.. ppl said in house was heaven.. but now.. i felt that in hell.. back home.. either quarrels.. argument .. and stuff .. really sick of it de le.. too much pain on what i can say.. and talk a bout it.. tired of it..just wonder when only can stop all this le.. can say that getting less of happiness le.. to compare with last time.. what can i say and talk about it?? even in love.. really .. dunno how le.. yea i do love.. but dunno why felt that lack of something.. just like something missing.. haiz.. another one,.. kinda miss sometimes where he usually speak and make jokes to me.. miss all the moment that had alrealdy pass

I'M SORRRY

... just feel so sorry the one who love me.. and cares me alots.. really sorz for everything you had did to me... really kinda hearthache when all stuff happen at once.. i really cant even face it myself and do it.. haiz.. dunno le.. just... maybe this was not the right time... accually i was planning had my b'day with the one i love or maybe whole bunch of buddies like that... but seems .. this year i really feel wanna celebrate alone ... haiz.. really so kinda upset right now.. i can ttbarely smile right now.. felt like too much things to fan and stuff .. haiz.. hate myself for out of sudden.. kinda.. haiz.. speechless right now.. just wanna say sorry to you... sorz .. i really couldn't accpet any relationship now.. cause.. it's been so hurt... for 2month ago.. haiz... hate it...hate myself... hate to be in love for so frust ....

ASSIGNMENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEES... kinda long dint bloggy de.. lolx.. haha.. too much asssignment!!!! ARGH!!!!!! HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!I WAN IDEAS!!!!!!!!!!I WAN PPL HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

uplaoding.....

gees.. in this few weeks.. kinda feel a lots different kind of feels... feel of happy.. sad.. moody.. heart broken ...and others weird feelings.. haiz... last week just broke up with him.. kinda feel like wasted.. but what to do.. cause... we choose to let go... and seriously on that day.. really kinda hurt and dissappointed what he told me about it... kinda feel like .. really speechless... haiz... feel like so damn heart broken... when i reach school.. i cried.. in car... really loud i guess.. i think should be long time i dint cry till so loud and so really dunno how to say... kinda weird man... haiz.. but atleast for what i had promise him... that i 'll happy always and try to take care my own... from that day onwards i continue my road and my way... back to class like normal...and try hang out with some crazy buddies.. trying to think positive... lolx.. really need to thx to that fella who told me about it.. *think positive... only got way out.. if i keeping it in.. only make the brain jam... and more things to fan and dunno do what* what la... that's whyy from that day onwards i always remember this word till now... Think positive way...so till now doing the same thing... everyone ask us why we break who ask and who say it out first.. let's consider as... both saying out... and both also dun wan feel the burden anymore that's it.. i choose the road i wan him to realize and wake ... haiz.. dunno le..all i wan him now is focus to his exam only.. for this moment...really need rush my assignment and get myself busy as .. too many things that i really damn frust de... really each time i back home i'm sick of it.. really .. like no time to make myself comfortable with it.. dunno le... haiz... just wonder when only i can feel back home sweet home.. haiz.. just wonder why my mum turn till so really dunno how to say ... haiz... more too like showing off and others.. really hate it a lots....!!! haiz.. but anyway... haha.. i still got one crazy buddies and still can chill and laugh about .. and the one who really und me.. make me happy... really few that can make me chill.. even my god daughther... lolx... haha...guess... i stopp mumble now.. as the thing keep on repeating like grand ah ma... haha.. sakai de.. joker... i just can wish and pray things will goes well jek... haha... and wan everyone nearby me happy always... that's it... lolx...

WHAT'S MY MISTAKE... WHY ME...I'M TIRED..

HAIZ.... i do what my mum ask me to do... recently...really so innocent get FUCK UP... haiz.. really no idea what's going on... and what happen/..i wanna concentrate on study... wan to try study hard... although i have no choice to choose... haiz... before i take in this ID... i had quarrel with her about the study thingy... haiz... i try my best ... but i fail... haiz... wanna take my own career...but she... haiz... quarrel till fainted... haiz... FINE...i take the iD... what the hell... reeally so sick... haiz... doctor said i cant too tired or too emotion... i'm really sick of it... how cant i stop all this.. each time i talk to her sure quarrel and she faint or heart attack... haiz... i have no choice... haiz... what this should happen to me. not to say i dun wan help her in work... but really each time i back to the office i really nothing to do... haiz... sit and do nothing... damn it... she always compare me and another gal.. haiz... sad... she said she ask that gal what also can answer... but me...nothing... damn it...not i dunno just you dun teach.. each time i ask you dun tell .. give those reason.. damn it... say dun fan me... this little thing ask next time... or even said get lost.. haiz... when she wan thing she can get it... she wan what or require what also we give... but me??? or others... non.. and NO... damn fuck it,... i'm really sick of itt... haiz... even i work so long in here... i really know nothing about this company... the wood the curtain or anything...i dunno... not to say completely dunno yea i know few.. haiz... just ... sometimes i notice her.. she only teach outsider... or the one she love only.. she keep think me not the one to help... she even ask me to open one damn company... under my name... haiz...you think i happy if i got this? it sucks... i open one company which is i dunno anything much about it... eg: last time tailor come den i ask need how long need to measure and cut... she ask me to back off... damn it... last time she said.. next time open the damn company den jau need give effort on it... i said okay le... i measure and cut.. this and that.. she so damn suddenn ask me back off... and get lost... haiz... ppl dunno how den mai ask the tailor lo.. den she ask me keep quiet... she busy..haiz... sometimes i really dunno what she wan... haiz... den sometimes i get scolded so damn innocent... not sometimes is everytime... haiz... nowdays... i know she rush those houses... haiz... like all she also handle... ppl ask wan any help not... she said no ..no need your help ... haiz... ends up now she sick... haiz... really so tired and sick of staying at home.. last time lou tao sunday work she scold ppl that sunday is FAMILY DAY.. now... all sunday no activity de.. only spend time with family... now days... haiz... she keep work on sunday.. haiz.. make till lou tao also dun like it de... haiz....she's the one make things worst she's the one make all of us worry her.. and getting angry of her... sometimes i get scolded for no reason... haiz... recently... i also notice that i'm getting tired... and easy faint de... guess.. i'm too tired and my stupid throid thingy again... haiz... she keep said fan about work this and that.. ppl ask wan help she said dun wan... b4 i enter this company she said let le out this and that...follow her work that's why i come back from KL... now... sit offfice do nothing... i know nothing about excel...or form format or what PO>>DO>>>OR what ... those office work i know NOTHING...haizz... yesterday night... backk home... lou tao ask go whr eat... den she said she lunch 5sum only eat... haiz... lou tao & bro 4sum eat... thaat time 8sum sure all hungry... except mmummy... haiz... just because she not hungry or anything all wait for her together dinner at 10pm... i ate brunch at 12... tilll 10pm only eat again... cause me gastric... haiz... we use to sit together and eat and chat.. but she... once sit together ... keep talk about THOSE FUCKING WORK & MONEY...money really so important??? or family???? haiz... i'm really sick of staying at this family....sometimes i ask myself i'm not good enough meh... do whatever mum ask me to do... haiz... force to do something i dun like... go school den back office work... fetch bro... back homee cook dinner.. less go out...i'm not good enough meh.. she always said i go out... damn it la.. haiz... so damn innocent... now in her brain... 7days also working day.... now me too 7days.. also fucking working day... damn it.. 7days... do nothing at office only sit... haiz... mum change ... haiz... i'm the one who suffer.. sometimes really wan out from the fucking house... i hate the house... eachh time i go back.. really tired and sick of it...haiz... her beloved ivan and her nelson dun scold de... only me ... keep on scold and nagging non stop... eeveryday allso scold.. say this and that..even she wrong also scold me ... haiz... even... sometimes she delay things.. den she go tell other i delay her things... haiz...yesterday his mum ask my mum weather can bring me go KL not this week... 2 days 1night... den she reply ... err.dunno yet.., she need go outstation.. den when i call her and ask.. den she scolded me .. talk many bullshit... said... if you wan go mai go lo... you wan i work till soo san fu you can go geh... i stay office... this and many bul shit.. den turn off the phone... haiz... ppl ask her got what thing to do she jau say this say that.. ppl ask her anything help she said no... haiz...really so shame of it...

duSt..^^ long time no upload..

gees...second week at my new ERA TECH COLLEGE.. ^^ haha.. today ... lolx... asking few question... about what's design.. this and that.. bla bla & bla.. haha... draw a very weird pic... acually is a combination from each of every student in our class figure... lolx.. mine is spec... haha... really damn funny... after a result of drawing the whole thingy... the thing.. the human we drawed... it's like ahh gua only... lolx.. beh tahan.. keep on laughing... gees.. really bad in drawing... weak on it... tomorrow photoshop... haha... looking forward... aftter the class... came down... i got the sakai stupid saman.. DAMN IT... (*CRIES) SAKAI DE.. wuwuwu... T.T den tell him... den he yau said bla bla bla & bla... sakai de... den went to big tree leg.. tot wanna eat more thing really extreamly hungry... lolx...but.. too bad... he dint eat.. only i eat... beh syok lo.. only me alone eat.. haiz... no feel wanna continue eat lo... den had quarrel with him.. really dunno what's going on le... recently really too many things happen le.. haiz... *pfft what can i do with it... just.. reallly lost communication like that le.. dunno why... haiz.. forget it ba... things happen and going on.. day by day.. tired... sick of it... trying to live happily... tring to stay focus... but yet ... things not going well... thou... haiz... dunno... just... yesterday see those kids talking about life and those thingy.. really wanna continue happy with it... i tried to face what's infront... really hard man... atleast i tried///.. but... haiz... just only someone makes like me really dun wanna face like this... i wont blame on him.. but... just too weak for me... tired of it...

CHRISTMAS

*christmas coming soon... another 4days...

*r@nDomLy~

*dunno wannn say what now... reallt too many things in my mind right now... lol...
on saturday ... bought present for both parents... on that day... dunno ... what happen with him.. he suddenlly turn so upset... like.. i ask hiim what he also cant tell me... den.. kiss him.. asking him to tell me infront of me.. he cant barely tell out.. i tot i might be do something wrong that might hurt him or anything.. dunno why... tears keep on falling... till..sam tet.. attend one gathering.. kinda little left out.. those form 4's dint really care ... but... when i meet with those form 3.. lol.. they'll like so crazy.. hug me... kinda lttle fun... but.. yet the same time worried about him. he ask me to talk with them.. but... accually i dint talk much.. reach till hall.. sit like almost 30minutes.. beh tahan.. need eat my heart medicine.. suddeenlly jump fast.. haha.. lucky dint faint... maybe too hot inside.. and kinda loud volume.. my throid med also out-of-service de... lol.. today the 4th day no eat medicine... seems like getting more tired.. and more pain... dunno why.. haha... till now still sick... haiz.. cham... on that night i only know ... why he sad about... till next day.. morning tot wanna have another great day... but... ends up.. mum and lou tao quarrel.. damn freaking fan... haiz... even he.. also still sad... not to say i dun wan to make him happy .. i tries but i fail... i wanna make you happy... but ... too tired... really suddenlly so san fu... plus... the next day get more worst my stupid flu and little fever.. haaiz... till need work from morning till night only can get back home.. sakai de... damn tired... yesterday.. really i make him upset badly.. i guess.. haiz.. dunno le... forget it ba... cried alots yesterday night... till cant really stand... suddenlly so san fu.. ate medicine... ate flu medicine tot i can sleep... but... cant sleep.. damn it... den tot i might chat with him to feel batter... but.. haiz... only get worst... den i ask ivan take soluble for me..as my stupid flu making me more worst cant barely breath... den den drink soluble... another 15minutes.. still cant feel better or sleepy.. as .. me and him still like hate and love.. haiz... wondering i'm i good gf? or why i so stupid? or anything will be... just like.. a gap between us de.. like getting far apart... haiz... no understanding... no communication.. no sweetness.. just bitter... dunno why... den i took another 2active fast... have a chat with him... yet still keep on sneezing... damn san fu... why sick also need to suffer all this kind of pain... pain where the feelings mixing.. and wondering... i dunno... really so tired... my suddenlly my neck.. my lower head get more paining... and heart keep on pumping... ends up.. i get tired ... thinking.. and fall asleep.. haiz... just all night praying him not to be sad.. and hope he can be happy... me and him together... and hpe that more understanding... that's it... haiz... really since genting that day.. till now.. me and him really like getting away and away.. far apart... dunno how long can we stand ... left the memories... those happy moment... maybe... i dunno... sadness than happiness this month... i guess.. to me... just wish i wanna have a happy chirstmas only.. i dun wish anything i just wan nice christmas only.... a happy christmas... memorable moment...

~END OF THE WORLD~ *yawn...*

lol... finally i can watch the 2012.. but anyway... really kinda nice movie... hehe... i still make promise that i sure watch with my boy... and my family... lol... really nice movie...hehe...really dunno why... when i fetch him... he dint even see or speak a word... just call my parents ... den no word say to me... reach jj... it's like me and he far apart... really dunno what's going on with him... wonder... why like that...*forget it ba...continue.. the movie really talk about many things.. really a lots of meanings in it... really... kinda scare when i watch it... cant really imagine how would it look like... when that Will happen in another two years... really wonder... will the government prepare the ark for us.. like in the bible said... about Noah story... or maybe... die like that.. is the money can save our life? or fate to be save.. or maybe... fate to be die.... really cant predict what will happen.. life really un predicted ... what is going to happen it will happen... ppls do ignore the things..and might think.. 2012 movie is just entertainment... but acually is wasn't.. cause.. due with the things that sign ... warning about the things... those scientist... testing about nuclear.. in north pole.. making more worst... really too many things happen... in this world... really .... the movie really mean a lots of things... human can be united... money is not everything....you must appreciate what you have now... do the things that you still can... enjoy...try to make the day happy... while you still can live... *continue.. after that movie... den we back home... but...nothing much happen ... cause really too tired de.. just got one simple kiss and sleep... how good i can have a hug... before i sleep... *skipped neway... enjoy while we can.. i just wanna wish i can make a happy moment with him.... wanna he become for loving.. caring... and funny only.... like the last time we use to be laugh in phone...

*sLe3pY

nothing to say much today.. yea.. kinda a lots of things in my mind right now... but lazy to write all out... feel like wanna tell him everything .. but...kinda afraid that he misun or anything... whatever... just wanna say little...oh yea... neway... on last saturday my wish came true... but... doesn't really fulfills all... accually by the time i reach genting already... when i see those accesories... and the decoration... that time i just think... how good that i can see him now.. and take pic with him... wanna make a memorable moment....once i check in... he ask me to go side... and i saw him,,, alcually that time really kinda shock when i saw him... i know he treat me good enuf.. but dunno why something missing... maybbe he was too tired... but anyway.. he slept in my room... atleast he got place to sleep.. till next morning... ate breakfast.... walk... but... really dunno why when i'm in mood of taking pic... like usual.. each time at genting... with him... but this time... really dunno why... he face is like... awh... man... cant discribe it... haiz.. i tot i was trying to enjoy with him... i wear... that hair... tot he might happy... when he come from toilet... but... nothing happen... haiz... really dunno wan sad or what... really ... weird... not i dun wanna tam him or what... but just ... dunno why... 2 years in realationship... is like 3month only... like... i really dunno how to discribe... i know he did a lots of things... take his money out for me... but... really i dunno how to discribe it... haiz... something was missing... maaking me feels like he turning back like the last time he was... to be honest ... yes i do... happy and gam tong when he at genting... but at the same time i was sad either ... cause seeing him like this tired... and really dunno why ... giving kind weird attitude.. avoiding... eg:i went to starbuck... meet my uncles and mum.. den i ask him pui i chat a while... den out of sudden he said he wanna go back to room watch tv... i really do damn speechless.. alcually that time after i chat with them a while... wanna go take pics with him...wanna walk around wanna make the candle hand thingy... but... ends up... ... after that time... really no mood... even though he ask me to takee pic... that time i was trying to hold my tears... wonderiing what's going on with him... and why you wanna become like that.. why each time we wan to enjoy .. but also got sad moment... damn it.. is not to humilate... or saying things harsh... but... really... i wish ... you can become... the one that i wanna you to be... pls dun become back the last time you were so cool... or what...i just wanna get hugs.. wanna feel that i was care and someone can cheer for me all the time...some one that can leave me a memories that is something that is worth it...Sorry baby... i know you work hard ... and wanna make me happy... baby... all i wish that .. i wanna become who you are.. the one that is funny ... and caring... i dunno weather you are making in front of me ... or maybe is in you... it just... something was missing as i said... last time we use to be jokes... and talk a lots.. but... really like getting lesser... when i sad.. i wanna you make me laugh... when i happy we together happy... is you did... eventually .. i will did the same thing.. although i did.. but seems like you dint care much thou... of maybe you dint notice... sometimes really kinda weird... the cake i made for you .. you just put aside.. although when is upside down... many things either... really.. something missing... the more we together become like this... the more bad things will happen... i can say it... altough we already 2years... also become like this.. i just wonder... how about another few more years are we stilll together? or what..only you know about it...

~p@sT i$ p@sT~

what had already pass jau pass de le... can denied it... today really no idea what i'm going to say and talk... but... just let it be.... although too many things happen recently.. really going thru a very hard time.... just... moment already pass de... it became history.. and no longer to be remember... but... what if a sweet moment??? it just make it keep haunted you ... for the rest of your life only... first when together... sure happy and enjoy.. but when things turn bad.. and hard going thru... things goes... worst... just broken to few pieces... eg: like a glass fell on floor... and brokes into few pieces.. and just left a piece of memories... and nothing.. some need time to forget the someone left those precious moment... those happiness... but some... dint care or think about it... and had a new life.. but .. to me seems like really hard... yea although tot can find a real love that can stand long.. but ends up destroy... kinda frust and hard to accept it... but ... what if the ppl ask back you and wan you together back with him... but both also already had own life... but still have the love remain... but... to me... as i said... past already past.. cant become present... or maybe... if we got fate... we still can together in future... cause life really un predicted... just appreciate what you having now...and had own life... dun lie to the partner... and be happy for them.. yea.. although is hard.. but just let it be... have a own life... own way... *yawn... sweepy... headache... i also dunno what i'm mumbling... lolx....anyway.. just write whatever in my brain...

*si@nz... i told de.. i'm the one who really hard predict...

really no idea... what the heck i listen really kinda really feel so disappointed... and dunno others mix feels too.. i know... mum are still my mum... she raise me... and do this... but.. sometimes i really cant stand that i kept secret for her... and getting blame... or even using me to help her... or even she now destroying family where i having now... really enough for this de... after what she did... although i know family are the closest person... but... seems like to me... she's dun really care about it.. she care about money and wealth... luxury... haiz... as me and my bro's keeping quiet.. even my stepfather.. still on her side... just that... since young... mum cares bro than me... even my dad... really so obvious that since young they did for so long... but i also dint care much.... or know about it... as long as i'm still taking care of my bro's enuf de... i got care for her... but how much did she care for me? yea she did care for me... but she really over do it... by forcing... accountancy.. to catering... and now interior design? really dunno how many times i need to listen to her... dad told me to be careful what my mum will do..i'm a person who care family than friends... but... sometimes i do really disappointed that .. stepfather or even mum said that i care outsider ... friends or even loves one... damn it... monday to sunday everyday at home... or office work... by doing nothing... sometimes i really thinking i'm i doing the right thing... helping her like this by destroying my own dreams ???just to fulfills her wish...???? haiz... she got care meh... even i sick... i go see doc my self... even bro sick i taking care if bro but she??? haiz.. even got time she go shopping only... and she always said to others ppl... i'm doing this job just because of interest... not for money... den another face that she told us 3... she said she do this for us... haiz... for what... i know you did this... but... family already got few business de... electronics... and accountancy de... what for need so much.. we can earn money fast... but only that will destroying family feels only... a lots of argument... and others stuff.., or even understanding...you know... since young ... dad already went to KL for a long time... just work... i nt really see him so much...yea.. i know .. and i do know he did wrong.. got mistress outside... i dun really care.. yea... i do hate him a while.. for not coming back.. and did this... destroying family... actually i do appreciate family feels.. but... haiz... things really doesn't goes very well... hiaz... lost the family feels for so long de... that's why keeping inside so long... without telling all out... who .. or someone or a child just wan a simple wish that... just wanna have perfect family... enjoying... and communicate.... haiz.. forget it.. i know... maybe you'll might feels that i selfish or maybe coward... or what so ever... but... i guess no one will und how would i feels for a time being... cause too much things keeping inside... and i really dint know how to speak all out...all this just part of it... better stop saying... *life really really unpredictable..trying to facing what is in front... and try so finish the day... trying to make life better... and happier... on that day... even though going thru a hard time...but... really so hard to facing all this... ALONE....

how good..

MY LIFE GET BETTER ...

i really wish that i can get back my own family...
really wishing she return back normal...
really wishing that how good she dun over do...
really wish that stop scolding me... really sick of her keep scolding me...
although i been 2month in KL... no ppl scold me... honestly speaking... i really dint miss that she keep on scolding me... but... tortoise said he did miss her mum scolding.. but to me... i dint miss at all.. i just... wan back the mum who is last time.. not so fierce.. and thinking much better...not like now.. haiz... keep scold and get blame so innocent... dunno when only get back the one i wish.. haiz...



BESTIES...a friend for life...
a gal that talks with and knows me...
although she cant always out... but... even she talks with me... i already feels release..
A LOTS....what la.. cant speak much... cause cant think much... appreciate what you had..
*Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

THE ONE I LOVES.... although he tries so hard to comfort me and cheer me... but..really sometimes dint really help .... something or sometimes not in a right time...
*Love feels no burden, regards not labors, strives toward more than it attains, argues not of impossibility, since it believes that it may and can do all things. Therefore it avails for all things, and fulfils and accomplishes much where one not a lover falls and lies helpless.

*sigh...

really no idea.. what the heck i did... and seems like everyone scold and yelling at me... damn it... from lou tao... to damn maid.. to mum.... and maid... at the end ... mum scolded me... damn it... really no idea what did i do man... why so damn bad de lo.. haiz... damn de la... yesterday play mahjung also keep get nag... damn it... sianz... what the heck... damn it... sianz... everyday allso like this... just like history repeat... damn it...i wanna back to KL life... freedom... enjoyment... haiz...at here what also talk about money money money... or else...possition... haiz... really dunno what did i do...whatever i did .. also wrong... so innocent...getting blame ... even i didt doo wrong also blame... damn it... sick of it...very sianz jor... talk all this shit..

*s3@m$ like making worst...

*yea.. just feels like trouble maker like pass... he ask what's planning for it... i gave some suggestion... but... seems... like he din't really likes it thou... haiz... dunno why... even... okay de... but seems like he like tense and frust ... really dunno why i got this feel... yet... even yesterday... i was desperate to watch the cyril.. cause the one doing things that something new... really dint appear and change number in front of ppls.. haiz... he ask me why dun see... tvb that show.. den i said i watching magiction.. den he replies back... know you wont watch this de la... haiz... who said i dun watch.. i'll watch later only de la.. one word that so harsh... den dunno why my stomach yao pain.. den heart also weak like that... den yao give lou tao nag.. why me so stupid watch this magic la.. why dun watch thatt... den said me you blind ga... dunno read.. den i told him la... i sure dunno read la.. he reply... if do this ar... sure live de la... damn.. how should i know... this year i only know learn to watch astro... cant denied... i know.. alll of you'll watch few years.. but not me la... i know i stupid la.. i know you'll like watch and know many things la.. one also like this... that wan also like this... stupid heart yao pain... damn it... dunno what i did wrong... always like this.. lou tao and mummy quarrel.. just because of the financial... why me become your bean bag wo.. chi sin de... i walk also pain... yesterday cant even barely walk upstairs.. cause my appendix that side suddenlly pain... dunno why... should be not appendix de la.. even got i also duncare... lucky the gal .. survive... even 4ddays broke de... really lucky de her... must be angel protecting her... wondering... when only ends all this... izzit this a test? why should a test should be like this... why so hard... sometimes i tried to ignore what my parents said... and dun listen... haiz... even previous day i see doc... haiz... really couldn't believe what my boy said... haiz... sometimes i really dunno what h thinking... haiz.... forget it... yao said defend... yao said she still my mum care for me... damn it... bla bla... thru thhis condition...??? what my mum did?? really hard and i really couldn't accept it... you not me.. how would you know and feels... really feels like our communication... getting worst... haiz... lack... i'm tired... throat there tired... i just wanna enjoy/... and wanna feel back happy from friends and loves... but... seems likee... fail from everything... maybe except from friends... loves??? really dunno... just like weather... rain & sunny... life really cant predict... life getting tougher.. and tougher...sometimes...help him find things and do stuff for him... but seems like dint really like it... dunno why can see it... true of false i already dun care.... i care... cause i love him... thou.. he like for at first.. later.. at side...haiz... really dunno what he thinking... and all.... even myself... stupid me... i hate myself ....

*TODAY

yet another... day... another bad bad day.. really so tired... haiz... morning fetch bro...go eat breakfast... go to his house... XOXO... back office like normal.. till 2sum... gu jie back... haiz... sad seing gu jie back.... really so sad.. but when she bback .. i hug her... i almost cry infront of her... lucky i dint... but she went de.. tears fall... till mum back.. she dunno calling who .. she like so happy and excited... cause gu jie not here... haiz.. dunno la.. den ... till lou tao came... scolded me... caus emy car many dust .. bla bla bla... haiz... den many things... den ask me KNOW STICK THE ROAD TAX NOT AR... den many la.. den till the gal drive car next to my car... den lou tao scold me... you see la.. i no need see the car i also know her car better than yours... yet... ANOTHER ONE COMPARE..I HATE YOU ... I HATE YOU'LL .. WONDERING WHY NO ONE KNOW ABOUT WHAT I HAVING NOW... I'MM REALLY SICK SICK OF ALL THIS... RECENTLY... REALLY LOST CONTROL FEW TIMES.. ALMOST WAN TAKE A KNIFE OF BLADE OR WHATEVER... HAIZ.. I'M TOO TIRED... REALLY REALLY SO TIRED... OF SITTING HERE...TEARS KEEP FALL... HAIZ... STOP HERE .. I CANT STAND...

yesterday

*yet.. another damn boring day... haiz... wondering i can go back gopeng eat back home cook food not.. but guess it's a no... mum seems like so excited... damn it.. really hate to say it.. grandma ask grandpa called... ask lou tao got go back eat anot.. den mum said to lou tao... if you promise den you dun find me... bla bla bla.. den lou tao said no.. den .. grandma said... she made our favourite wan tan... haiz... lou tao i guess he was force to say no... den mum called me .. said to me about it... haiz... damn it de la.. she like so excited... happy ...she even said dai sei le.. who ask them tak zui tou her wo...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.. cruel... to me.. really sad..AND FEEL SO GUILTY...haiz... afternoon.... me and mum go factory office there.. then.. like normal they'll talk a bout business and others stuff... den back into car... she go compare me.. and her.... said .. you see.. she so clever... what also know.. den said to me... she wan me learn things from her and taech her back.. and even compare to her buy learning things.. said that why i so stupid and many... haiz... till night dinner at pizza hut.. haiz... said me again ... said.. why you so stupid so useless... why cant you become like that gal... really dissappointed to you... haiz... many le.. den said why each time i say things you only know say oh ooh oh ... haiz.. dunno ar... FUXK it... haiz.. hate it alots...and even she said that.. me betral her... same gang with gopeng.. dun help her.. where by... i keep stay at her side.. listening her obey... what can i say more... damn it.. till back gopeng... i ganti my grandma place a while... play with my auntie and neighbour... both also same like me.. said.. i have no choice... since mum also wan i follow up...and dun wan me work out... haiz.. many la..so damn frustrated... accually during i pizza hut there i almost take the knife or even runaway from it... haiz... back home... really cried.. dunno why .. feels like so stupid why i cant defend for myself... and being so damn stupid....I HATE MYSELF....