*wrong or right?

Yesterday night really got a huge disaster between me and my mum...but before that lou tao also got scold nag me a while.. den throw my letter on floor i still can stand it.. i ask him why throw my letter i have no idea why my letter reach no one tell me only..den between me and my mum.. i tried to keep all things and try to stand all her things.. at night .. she ask me weather i like the bag not... i told her i dun really like it... cause i dun like LV type sumor is brown colour... the bag cost 400.. den she scolded me this one nice.. said i lucky cause this wan expensive.. den if you dun wan.. you wan ask your boy to buy for you.. or even you buy.. you also heartache la.. den say many rubbish.. den she ask me what i wan to do now... keep sit in office do nothing ...den ask me why waste my time.. she told me that i already waste one year time.. off what i need think... damn it... i already plan i wan study what de.. only she dun let me go for it only... haiz.. den till i go help lou tao.. wanna try i can go for accounts not.. ends up i almost wan to apply de.. den she told me that .. den better dun take acc ba... take culinary as catering... damn it.. i change again.. den till she ask me to go for interior design.. i really cant stand of keep changing and making me weak de.. i already sick of it de.. changing my career.. den i back to KL help daddy wan cool down and help dad.. haiz..till she ask me come back .. i back ends up all this things happen.. den yesterday she ask me.. outside there i can find work for 1k per month not.. den i keep quiet.. den she yell at me ask me to answer.. accually i dun wan aanswer she keep ask me.. till i speak ''if i could find how..'' den she said back to me ''OKAY YOU WAN HOW.. YOU WAN I DIE IN FRONT OF YOU IZZIT'' haiz... i also dint say anything de she say like this i really cant stand de.. haiz.. den she ask me i still wan work for her not shout at me.. she ask me answer yes or no.. den i cant stand de.. for a first time i dare defend for myself ...i said '' NO" to her.. den she scold again i make road for you why can't you go.. okay find monday don't go to work.. have your life.. den she wallk and fainted infront of me.. you know how heartache for me seing her like that .. i dunno izzit her trick or real.. once b4 she did same thing to lou tao.. so that lou tao guai guai no one dare over her.. i dunno izzit she do the same thing to me either.. that time i know i allready lost control...den she lie on floor den said while sobbing and paining.. said that ...''look even my own daughter also dun wan help me i live for what.. i better go die better'' den she call my bro while crying.. den said to them '' you both need guai guai... if i die jor must take care your own..'' den say many fucking things... that time i feel wanna suicide infront of her.. den ... once i walk my whole body nno energy de... whole body cold.. and start feel so numb and heartbeat getting faster.. den i remember i pull my own hair wanna hit myself on wall or anything or wan go out from house... i really couldn't stand all this ... i'm totallly freaks out and so damn fucking tense de... i hate what she do all this shit... i hate myself for making her like that ... that's why i keep to myself only.. den dare to speak out and tell her anything.. cause i know if i tell her she'll like this.. haiz... den i almost unconcious on sofa... den whole body cold... and cant think anything.. me keep on crying loud and sick of all this.. den bro came and take care of me asking me eat medicine.. cause yesterday i din't my heart medicine.. den a while later after lou tao bring mum go room.. me still at down stairs still cant control.. den i remember is whole body no energy and everything black out de.. den lou tao keep calling me wake.. den i wake den i know he ask me to calm down.. den talk with me.. den i only calm down... a litttle... i ask him.. did i did wrong.. i'm i a bad gal not listen to her and defend? my fault make her like that .. really so useless de me... den ..i ask lou tao... you know how much pain i had? how much tense i'm i? lou tao sure know how much pain i had.. cause each time i talk to him.. den.. ask me not to cry ask me calm down.. den after talk a while i try to calm down.. not to think of anything de.. really so tired.. den mummy fainted at upstairs again.. haiz.. all my fault..i know mum said so loud she said.. why all ppl also like that... haiz.. i dunno which wan is true.. out of sudden lou tao said.. mummy make this road for me.. last time lou tao said is because her interest.. i also dunno which wan is true.. i'm totally confuse.. and sick of it.. too tired of all this.. den after i rest a hile and down.. mum back room... i back room... that time once i close my eyes i really scare.. and re-flash back how she faint infront of me.. and those cruel words.. makes me scare of her.. den i hide under the blanket keep on crying non stop.. praying to god ask god.. if you wan take her life... i rather you take mine.. i dun she suffer any more.. den i keep on crying. try to listen some songs try to calm down.. den fall asleep..den this morning wake up .. both eyes swollen de.. haiz.. whole body no energy.. and i walk out from the door saw her .. dunno why .. i turn back room hide.. dunno why i really scare of her de.. haiz.. i know too much thinking in my mind de... really wanna tell all out and wan to have little freedom.. wanna leave all this away.. very san fu.. sick of all this...wanna go out work and try new things gain out side experience only wanna prove to her i can... but she keep think that i dun wan help her.. and many things... haiz...what should i do..why happen this freaking this to me...

*rest day

atlest the day where no worries and no scold... cause... mum and lou tao travel... lucky.. do thing s as usual... den pui my gu jie out.. the first word she ask me is... how's her eyes.. i told her little swollen.. i ask her izzit cried yesterday? after quarrel woth my mum? guess what ... haiz... gu jie told me that ... she doesn't have a chance to speak out den my mum keep scold non stop de.. haiz.. den one word she also din't expect that my mum say that she very dissappointed of what she doing.. den she said that my mum go combaine the relationship and work together.. den she told me that.. while she was drive back home she keep on tears falling till back home till before sleep.. haiz..seems like gu jie and me are almost same condition... both also sick of her attitude.. my mum really over do and harsh jor... haiz..i saidd before.. if really wan to co-opperate with my mum that person should be a very patience ppl... haiz..really cant stand for it..den she told me that she also got talk about me... at office... said that you also cant force your daughter like that de ma.. suddenlly get scolded innocently.. and don't complaine about me.. cause me at office everyday... wan to how to get experience... how to learn... sit office take care of office? or wait for walk in customer? where got walk in customer? den many things le.. haiz.. haiz.. still thinking wanna work outside or with her... den gu jie said if i go KL many bad things happen... if i stay here work out atleast i got little freedom.. if work with her no freedom and more worst.. oh yeah.. haiz.. if i work out there..guess what my mom say what..'' if i work out there i need pay for my own insurance... 200.. petrol 200.. den 300 for my car loan.. every month i need pay.. haiz.. den if i work with her i only pay for petrol.. den insurance half.. loan no need.. so damn fuck de.. haiz.. i also din't say i wan insurance yet.. haiz.. so damn expensive.. dunno wan for what i also got medical insurance mai enuf lo still wan add so much... haiz.. you say what i should do... haiz.. whole afternoon think of this also fan.. gu jie soon also leaving company.. haiz.. dunno how my mum handle... haiz.. i also dunno anything de.. haiz.. den at night hang out with my bro and boy at jusco.. ate at sushi king.. den at jusco find some vacancy.. really feel like wan join barista.. but only got 900 only.. haiz.. dunno how le.. tired man.. think of all this.. why happen it to me de.. haiz.. go yao die dun go yau die.. doc said that i cannot over tense the more i tense the more bigger my neck.. because of the stupid sickness... worst to worst need opperate... haiz.. if i higher.. haiz... dunno how le.. really so fan...even my heart condition wasn't good either... haiz... need medication... haiz..

*gees..replace blog for wed...

yesterday i write all this de... little emotion yesterday.. when after i finish write the blog suddenly i accidentally deleted the whole thing.. haiz... waste... neway... haiz... i can tell some that on wed.. haiz... like normal mum scold me everyday.. on that day i really so get scolded badly till i cant stand.. yet i still not speaking anything out... till she ask me what in my mind thinking... said that me not concentrate of what i'm doing.. bla bla and bla... haiz.. till she ask me what's my purpose that i work at her shop.. i told her i wanna try help her.. and i haven finish say anything she one word jau say "you at here or not i dun need your help... THE MORE I SEE YOU THE MORE I VERY KEK HEI... THE MORE FAN I SEE YOU" haiz.. what do you expect.. after listen what she say all this..haiz... really feel so disappointed after listen to it... i already forget my career and try to help her because of her health condition... haiz.. dunno what in her mind.. i dun mind she sscold me or what i'm just trying to und this in this career... i dun have experience what do yo expect i got... she even said that ''why you din't you your stupid head... why you din't use common sense'' haiz... really so damn fan de... after what she say and tell... on afternoon.. she quarrel with lou tao about lunch.. even small problem also quarrel.. den ... night quarrel with my gu jie.. till separate business.. haiz.. why things going on like that.. i notice that .. since she enter this career she become more cruel... and yet.. at night my tong mui called me.. asking me how's my condition.. and others.. she said her mum told her that i always at office cry at corner... den ask her talk with me.. i talk half way my tears keep falling till cant stop keep sobbing.. haiz.. she said she scare i got ''yao what jing'' depressions... haiz... always hide and cry... keep things.. haiz.. what to do... she mum my.. i cant defend cause i scare her health and heart attack... haiz.. i try to und de.. but seems like i'm trouble maker for her...that time i got think of do stupid things.. but i din't ... really so tired of it.. haiz.. den lou tao came in my room.. ask me why i'm crying..i said nothing den he keep ask. den i told her.. even he said mummy really over do de.. den soon not gonna help her much de.. she dun realize that what happen after... haiz...all also scare my condition now...cause.. too many sadness inside de... and being middle person for all.. haiz.. all also can feel my thing why cant my mum cant feel.. den when down for dinner she ask me do i still wan to work? den i said maybe no .. just let me think about it 1st.. haiz.. den last word she said that me & gujie are same... both also ''tong cin jok doi'' anti money.. haiz.. to me... if i get jor money yao how la.. mai same like normal human jek ma... what do you expect...money really kills a lots ppls...even dear said .. not scare my mum masuk hospital.. is me who will masuk hospital.. haiz... at night all wanna go to bed de.. i heard lou tao calling mum...wake up... haiz.. mum fainted.. heart attack back again... haiz.. fainted few times... haiz.. too stressful de with this kind of fucking life... i dunno i wanna do what now.. just blank.. complicated... so damn heartache.. that day really the most worst day ever..

*yesterday night

this wan is when start preparing and putting praying those stuff... haha.. kinda big fire that time... almost 200packet of charcoal use for this event..

praying for those god for blessing..asking few god to come out from temple to walk over

this wan is when bring the 9 wong yeh cross over the road...see those moon?this one is normal human... accually i'm one of them walikng there..see those circle thingy like moon? they'll say might be ghost or those god's... when we passing thru...really damn a lots man..

see this is the result after finish walk on the charcoal.. haha... dark feet.

haha... really a new kind of experience... walk on the charcoal.. lolx... kinda fun... took some few pics...*those pic's lolx... kinda fun ... running here and there follow a fella who has take a few years already.. haha... but need apologize to my baby err.. gomen gomen... haha... left you at side... *muakxx after took the few pic's only start walking ... on it... too bad.. cant take my pic's... really un lucky eh... hehe.. first step was okay.. den till half way... kinda feel little warm.. den almost till the end ... kinda feel little hot..haha..den end there.. i know i keep jump around... haha...

*tired of her

really so tired of being insult.. tired of being get blame .. tired of being get scold for no reason.. tired of being what i have being doing... tired of being be patience .. tired of everything..haiz.. really too tense of what she had being why she could beccome like that .. everyone need to obey her... soon.. sure a lots things happen in this company.. i bet on it... cause.. all need to care for her attitude... and try to tahan her thing.. haiz.. she always think that what she also right and she geng... haiz.. even today my gu jie also say .. "you also dunno anything ... cause you dun have experince how you gonna face in this thingy.. not all also same like her.. being so brilliant and talented... each person got own different way.. but your mum really forcing you so much... what also she say.. and decide... no support... dunno why your mum like that.. i guess soon me and gonna become like you.." haiz... honestly.. haiz.. really this few days almost wanna take a smoke or anything just to release tense.. but.. i din't do it.. haiz... really feels so tired... and keeping inside... even i speak out.. din't really help me release.. really so tense.. haiz.. why no one know what i'm going thru... and facing... you'll say jau easy... but.. me.. is the victim.. really hard to face it... what can't you'll und...cause you din't really happen to you... haiz.. i just need some time onlly... really feels so damn tired..this few days makes me feels like wanna do something crazy.. that involve blood... haiiz.. but luckly .. i can manage it... i din't .. haiz... really wan find a way to relax myself.. and make it better living now...

*haiz.. during the night after dinner & today's

gees.. disaster start again.. damn it.. yesterday night really feel so bad mood once my mum & lou tao said that i care my own friends than the family.. DAMN IT...SINCE WHEN I DID THAT TO THEM...seems to be is my mum doing that .. how could it happen... i told mum i wan to go see ivan band.. den so coincident at the same date also my dear b'day too.. we did plan going to genting for celebrate it... but.. haiz... den mum one one jau say... who's important your bro or your friends... haiz.. no need say la sure your friend and your bf than family.. DAMN IT... IF I DUN CARE THE FAMILY AR... I WONT BE SO GUAI LISTEN TO HER DAMN ORDER AND STAYING AT HERE HELPING HER LA... JUST TO FORGET MY DREAM AND WASTING MY FUCKING TIME TO HELP HER MEH... HAIZ... that's why i already waste my time a lots... and she keep wan me to help her with the business.. accountant.. interior design or electronics... damn it.. all i also dun like it... how would i do it... even today in morning she scolded me that why my observation so slow... bla bla and bla.. tiu... really so frustrated when i listen those things.. what also she say... haiz... i hate myself why i couldn't defend for myself... haiz... why i need take care or her... why not me.. seems like since i back from KL she doesn't like me much jor... keep scold and putting those blame on me.. all... haiz.. yesterday i almost punch to the window... or wanna take a smoke... really so damn wasting my time... even i sick... also non of my family care or knows about it la.. doc said that i'll be easy tired and thinking little slow... haiz... really ... so frus de.. today what she say for a few times... plus yesterday... really kinda killing me already... so headache... haiz... no longer like last time so brave and strong... just feel like i'm a puppet to her de... life really no meaning like that...

*outing with dear.. luiz.. & bebe

LOLX.. when for a movie yesterday... me & bebe watch the movie twice already weh.. haha... cute... watch back the cloudy meatball... gees.. kinda funny man.. den before that we had our lunch at food and tea..had some jokes... with my sakai dear & luiz & bebe... haha... kinda enjoing the moment... den till 3sum.. go for our movie till 5sum... haha.. lolx.. luiz bring bf.. me bring bebe... only my dear and venis they'll couple le... haha.. den gals... picture time at the toilet.. LOLX.. kinda freak few ppl ... cause we took the place.. laughing kinda loud... i remember one gang of malays gal came in den do back the same thing we did.. haha.. den went off.. haha... *too bad.. need wait to upload ours photo's.. haha.. tomorrow only upload...kinda enjoy eventhough just for few hours..